I'm not ready

I say this a lot, but I'm not ready.

I'm not ready for Liam to be as tall as he is, he is now entirely flat footed as he shuffles around the house in his walker. 

I'm not ready for him to be able to hold his bottle on his own.

I'm not ready for him to able to put his pacifier back in his mouth without my help.

I'm not ready for him to sit up on his own.

I'm not ready for him to be eating solid food.

Honestly, I'm just generally struggling with my boy growing up so quickly. I knew that my parents always told me that time flies and my brother and I grew up in the blink of an eye, but now that I'm a mom all of those cliches have taken on a whole new meaning.

This really hit me last night. Let's set up the scene: My oldest nephew is spending a couple of nights with my parents because his younger brother is sick. Liam and I spent the night there last night as well since Jim was at work and my parents are keeping Liam while I'm at work this week and they live super close to the gym I work at.

So it's time for nephew to go to sleep and he decides he wants me to lay down with him, which is a first...normally it's Grandma, so I was ecstatic. As I lay next to him, staring at his head full of freshly washed blonde hair, I found myself getting emotional. I thought about the first time I held him three years ago. He was so tiny, but so heavy with the weight of potential and dreams yet to be lived out. I had never held a newborn baby before, I was always afraid I would break them or something. But that day I held him for so long and didn't want to let him go. I'm still struggling with letting him go. He's at the age of dodging pictures and rubbing off kisses, and you have to catch him if you want a hug usually. It's hard to believe that he's so big now. So tall. So smart. So full of big questions and funny comments. I feel like he shouldn't be so big already. 

I think about how fast he has grown up and it makes me want to tape my eyes open so I don't blink and miss Liam growing. Every time he does something new, I am first overcome with pride and joy that he's learning new things. But then the sadness hits me like a ton of bricks. The first time he got his pacifier back in his own mouth was specifically tough. It popped out of his mouth and when I reached to put it back in, he did it himself and looked at me as if to say "don't worry, mom, I got it". And I know I'll be hearing that for the rest of my life from him.

But I'm still not ready.

From what I can tell from these last five months, being a mom is all about being pulled in different directions. Not being able to wait until your kid can do things for himself, but then crying when he does. Begging him to just talk already, and then when he starts talking you pray for just a moment of silence. Counting down the days until he can spend the night at someone else's house so you can get a full night's sleep and then waking up every hour wondering how he's doing and missing him. Needing to balance being a good mom, while not forgetting your husband. 

I feel like this is nothing new, though, and for all you moms out there you probably know exactly what I'm talking about. I know I haven't come across anything revolutionary or mind blowing. This is all just so new for me. I have never wanted someone to become more independent, and stay dependent on me at the same time. I want him to still need me. And I know he will need me for a while longer, I just know this time is going to keep flying by.

So for all of you newer than me moms, moms to be, and women who hope to be moms one day...embrace every moment with your little one. I TRY, key word there is try, to enjoy even when Liam is being clingy and not wanting me to lay him down because I know it's not going to last forever. No, our house isn't spotless and there's usually laundry or dishes that need to be done, but if he wants cuddles I'm going to cuddle him while he still lets me.

XOXO,

Courtney