My Journey to Liam

One year ago today at about 5 am my life changed. My world grew bigger. My heart exploded with excitement. My eyes filled with tears. I took a home pregnancy test and finally got the positive that we had been praying for.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

I think it's time I talk about our journey to our son. This blog will consist of period talk and maybe some awkward moments, but I'm discussing how I got pregnant, so it should be expected ;)

We decided to start trying to get pregnant in early spring 2014. I stopped taking my birth control and at the end of the month my period didn't come back. I called my doctor and she said to give it 90 days, sometimes after you go off the pill it can take your body a few months to get everything working on its own again. So I waited. For three long, period-less months. I called my doctor again and they prescribed me a hormone pill that I took for seven days to try and jump start my cycle. After the seventh day I waited 14 more long days. No period. I called my doctor and told her. They had me come in and get what the nurse described as the pill I had just taken in a shot form in my hip. I got the shot on Tuesday and my cycle started the next Monday.

I cried when it came back. This journey had me shed a good number of tears. 

I had two normal periods, then in November it didn't come back again. I was SO EXCITED!! So I took a home pregnancy test first thing in the morning the day after my cycle was supposed to start. One of those digital, expensive ones that can tell you that you're pregnant "up to six days before your missed period". 

Negative. 

WHAT? 

It made no sense. My running pace had slowed way down for no apparent reason, I just couldn't run any faster than about a 9 minute mile. I had woken up so nauseous I had to cancel my training clients one day about a week before. I have never been so nauseated, I would get dizzy if I stood up and I couldn't stomach anything solid. But I had no fever and I never threw up. I had started to really think those were pregnancy symptoms!

Great, I thought, my period just stopped again. There is something wrong with me and I'm infertile because of what I did to my body when I was battling my disordered eating. When I lost all of that weight so quickly, I didn't have a period for almost two years. 

I tried not to get discouraged and took another one first thing the next morning. This time I picked up a couple of cheaper ones instead of the fancy ones.

Negative.

I started looking into adoption. 

We wanted to start a family and I was willing to do whatever we had to in order to have a child. If my body couldn't do it, we would adopt.

The next Monday was Jim's birthday so we went out to dinner together that night to celebrate. After dinner I told Jim that I had been looking into adoption and he said he had been too. I told him that I was going to call my doctor the next day and tell her that my period had gone away again but I wasn't pregnant and to ask what we needed to do next. Jim told me to take one more test first thing the next morning, just to be sure. I agreed but knew that it would just be another heartbreaking no.

I woke up the next morning at 5 so that we could get a run in before we both had to be at work at 8. I shuffled into the bathroom, preparing for another gut wrenching moment with a stick I had just peed on.

It didn't even take the full two minutes to get that cheap, drugstore brand test to pop up with a thick, bold positive sign. 

WHAT?! Is this a dream? This can't be real! I instantly broke down into sobbing, and opened the bathroom door. 

I had planned a super cute way to tell Jim he was going to be a dad. It involved a pretty sweet Avengers toy and video taping the reveal. I like the way he found out even better, actually.

He was still in bed, but when I opened the bathroom door crying it woke him up and he asked me what was wrong.

"Absolutely nothing...(sob. sob. sob)"

"You're pregnant, aren't you?"

"Yes...(sob. sob. sob)"

I then went over to him and hugged him as he still laid in the bed, I thanked God over and over again and just cried and cried. Then do you know what my always practical husband said to me?

"Oh, get that thing off my pillow, you just peed on that!"

Gotta love that man. We then broke in hilarious laughter and just stared at the test in disbelief. I called my doctor while I was at work and set up my first appointment for exactly one month later. I took another test after work just to be sure. I went to the store and got more of the expensive digital ones and it was positive too, so I knew it wasn't just a dream.

Things have changed so much since that day. Now I have stretch marks, my skin is more stretched out, I can only run three miles, and I have a son that is worth it all and so much more. I wouldn't want to have stretch mark free skin anymore, I'm a mom and those marks remind me of what I went through for my son. This past year has been the best year of my life and I can't wait to see what amazing things Liam leads us to in the years to come.

XOXO,

Courtney

I am "that mom"

I am a walking new mom stereotype.

I am "that mom".

I am that mom who is constantly uploading pictures of my baby onto my social media sites. Why? Because my kid is cute and I'm proud to be his mom. Because I have tons of family and friends who live all over the place and don't get to see him much. Because it's my page to post about my life and right now my life is my son. If someone finds my posts annoying they can always unfollow me. But who could find baby pictures annoying?

I am that mom who is borderline obsessed with what milestones my son should be reaching by what age. I am almost daily looking up what teeth should be coming through and when, when he should be rolling over, when he should be laughing/talking, what age he should start to crawl etc. It's so ridiculous because most of those milestones I have little to no impact on when he will reach them. I want to make sure he'son track, though. I want to be sure that we are doing everything we possibly can to make sure that he is growing and developing how he "should be". I'm told this is normal for first time moms especially, but I'm just trying to not compare him to other babies. He will do all of those things when he's ready.

I am that mom that gets spit up on or peed on and doesn't worry about changing her clothes. Why? Because it's bound to just happen again anyway. And honestly, I mean who do I have to impress? My husband compliments me even when I look like a complete hot mess, which leads me to my next point...

I am that mom who has her hair pulled back in a hot mess ponytail 90% of the time. Why? Because my son loves to pull on my hair and he has the grip of a grown man. Because even when it's pulled back he's able to rip strands out of the ponytail holder and after twenty times or so I get tired of fixing it, so it just stays a hot mess.

I am that mom who gets frustrated. Why? Because I am clueless and my son and I speak two different languages. I speak English and he speaks "scream your head off frantically while still somehow looking adorable". That's the thing, too. He can be screaming his head off at me for no reason that I can find and he is still so stinking cute I can't even deal with it. But sometimes I find myself getting frustrated. I'm his mom, just my presence should make him stop crying...shouldn't it? My voice should instantly calm him every time...shouldn't it? I should know just from his cry exactly what is wrong and be able to fix it instantly...shouldn't I?
I am having to realize that I'm no supermom.
I can't just speak and calm my baby. I have to check his diaper, cuddle him, lay him down and see if he wants to play, see if he's hungry, and then see if maybe his teething gums hurt. Process of elimination is key with us.

I am that mom who thinks she's failing at being a mom. There, I said it. There are times that I feel like I'm going to seriously screw my kid up in some way. It is basically the blind leading the blind, after all. I'm constantly reading an article about how something that I'm doing is deemed "wrong". And that gets to me. I'm doing the best that I can, and I love my son more than I ever thought possible, but it's hard to not get down on yourself. I literally have no clue what I am doing in this whole motherhood thing. Being a mom is the most amazing thing, but it is very overwhelming at times. Jim and I are responsible for this tiny human. We are responsible for making sure that he develops into a strong, God loving man (who loves his mama). Some days the only thing I know to do is pray. Pray that he turns out okay, despite his parents being completely clueless. Pray that he finds his life's passion and pray that he finds love one day. Pray that he will treat his wife with love and respect. Pray that he is as good of a father as his dad. Pray that despite all of our shortcomings, he turns out just fine.

Honestly, that is probably the best thing we can do for him. God gave him to us, after all. So it only makes sense that we give him to God to protect and to guide us through his whole parenting journey. Because I'm finding that is exactly what parenthood is...a sometimes smelly, occasionally frustrating, often comical, always beautiful, and amazingly wonderful journey.

XOXO,
Courtney

Baby must haves!

I've only been a mom for about 3.5 months now, but I've already noticed some products that we seriously couldn't go a day without. Liam definitely has a budding personality and he has let us know pretty strongly what he likes and what he's not a fan of.

MUST HAVES:
1. Wubbanub-the boy loves these things! He actually has two, a penguin that stays in his diaper bag and a giraffe that stays at home. We registered for both because Jim said we didn't know if Liam would like one better than the other. And it ended up being a great idea, we never have to really worry about leaving it at home or misplacing one because he's got a backup just in case.

 
2. Ergo Baby Carrier-I love this thing and thankfully Liam does too. I've used it for walking around the mall, going to Costco, and even walking to high school football games. I've even worn him around the house while I cleaned up and did laundry! It's kind of difficult to put on by myself because of the upper back clip, but it can be done. Thankfully Jim realized (on the day I was scheduled to be induced) that we need the infant insert until Liam's about 4 months old. It helps to keep him more stable. I love the fact that the carrier will transition with him until he's 45 pounds!

3. Baby Einstein Nautical Friends Play Gym-Liam will lay on this thing for hours! He's even been known to fall asleep on it if he's tired himself out playing. He loves the mirror and giving himself the stink eye in it. He loves all the hanging down toys and he will yell at them and punch them around, which is pretty entertaining for us as well!

4. Hoodie-this is not brand specific or style specific. The boy loves hoods! He's not always a fan of hats, and since he doesn't have too much hair yet and it's getting colder outside, he needs something on that noggin and baby hoodies do the trick!

5. LOTS of bibs and burp cloths-We should have registered for burp cloths. We did not. Thankfully we were given a good number anyways, because we can go through several in one day depending on if Mr. Liam holds in burps. He likes to burp on his own terms and then when he does burp, sometimes an hour after he eats, it can make a mess! He currently has two teeth trying to come through, so bibs are being soaked through on the regular as well. Thankfully he has tons of adorable ones!
6. Gowns-He isn't always a huge fan of his feet being trapped in them, but once his feet are free he is so content. And we love the ease gowns bring to night time diaper changes. No buttons, no snaps, no trying to get his constantly kicking feet back into footie pajamas.

The main thing I have learned so far is that every baby is different, and just because it's on another mom's "must have" list, it doesn't mean your baby will need it or even like it. For instance, we can't use pee pee tee pees. Liam just kicks them off and pees everywhere anyway. A washcloth works just as good, actually it works better. And we didn't even register for a wipes warmer, I decided it would just complicate diaper changes outside of the house when we had to use room temperature wipes.

So, moms to be, take these product recommendations with a grain of salt, because who knows what your baby will like! I just thought these products were worthy of a shoutout!

XOXO,
Courtney

Life with our three month old

Liam turned three months old last Thursday and I know I sound like a broken record, but I just can't believe it! I feel like he grows and changes overnight...every night. He is getting stronger and sassier with every passing day, and it's so fun to watch him learn new things. 

Over the past month his personality has just exploded and I love it! He is such a fun little guy and he loves to smile, laugh and talk. The boy is trying so hard to talk and he will gabber nonsense at you for as long as you'll talk to him. He has started to laugh/squeak and it is my favorite little sound in the world. I don't have to work very hard for his gummy grins anymore, either. I walk into the room and say anything to him and he breaks out in the biggest grin...and my heart melts. He really smiles with his whole body, too. He'll usually either draw his legs up or stick them straight out and bring his hands together and raise his shoulders when he grins or laughs.

He's also now rolling over from his tummy to his back like a pro. He's trying to get the rollover from his back to his tummy, but it's taking more time. He's got the roll from his back onto his side, but he hasn't quite figured out how to keep going onto his stomach. It's alright, he'll get there soon enough I'm sure. His legs are NEVER still when he's awake, either. I've told Jim that once Liam is mobile, we're in trouble because he is never going to sit still. 

He has started really interacting and playing with his toys, which is so fun. He will grab a toy laying near him if he wants it and hold onto it, lick it, bite it, etc. Then when he's done with it, he throws it. He still loves ceiling fans and anything bright. He will stare at the TV for hours, no matter what is on. Any toy that plays music and lights up is a guaranteed hit as well. 

 Watching Chicago PD with daddy (aka his twin).

He also (thankfully) loves his Ergo carrier. My parents and I took him to his first high school football game Friday night and he did amazing! He fell asleep on the walk to the stadium from our house in the carrier and when he woke up, he was slightly confused as to where we were, but he didn't cry or whine. Football was less than interesting to him, but the band? Holy cow he loved the band! I guess he's going to be a band nerd like his mama and daddy.

Football game cuddles!

For Halloween he dressed up as Yoda, which let me tell you, was just the cutest thing ever! Mini light saber and all. Jim's mom made his costume and it was perfect! He didn't even mind the Yoda ears, he is so chill it blows my mind sometimes.

Now how is Liam's mama doing? I'm feeling great! This morning on my run/walk and I was feeling really good so two of my normal four minute run intervals turned into ten minutes and it felt amazing! I'm up to about 3.5 miles on the days I hit the pavement and it feels so good! I'm only about three pounds away from my pre pregnancy weight AND a non scale related fitness accomplishment from this week...I FIT INTO MY SKINNY JEANS AGAIN. Comfortably, too. It took some courage to try them back on, but when I pulled them up and they buttoned, without making me uncomfortable, I felt like crying. I tell you, the biggest victories in this journey of getting my body back in shape aren't happening on the scale. 

They're happening in my mind, my wardrobe, and my workouts.

XOXO,

Courtney