Mr. Liam turned two months old yesterday and I am honestly still in shock that it's been that long since I held him for the first time. These past two months have flown by in a way that I never knew time could move. They have been the most joyous two months of my life. Being a mom is tough, though. I'm exhausted. Sometimes I get frustrated when Liam won't let me put him down to just run and take a quick shower, or I'm in the middle of a great workout and he suddenly wakes up for no reason and wants me to hold him. I hate that I get frustrated with him wanting me when it "inconveniences" me, but I'm human so I guess it's only natural.
However, I had a major reality check recently one night when I was scrolling through Facebook. A friend of mine shared this post from a mother whose daughter was stillborn, she was 40w6d. Her story is here if you haven't read it already. I'm warning you, grab some tissues because it will rip every shred of your heart out.
After reading this gut wrenching and heart breaking story through tears, I held my precious boy so tight. I apologized to him for any time I ever got frustrated with him. Having a baby that wants you to hold him/her is not a curse. It might feel like an inconvenience, but I realized that it is the biggest blessing. I have my son to hold, kiss, and rock to sleep. That mother has empty arms and a huge hole in her heart. I had to go through all the postpartum pain, but I could hold my baby boy and look into his beautiful eyes and know it was all worth it. She is having to go through it all too, but has no baby in her arms to make it all worth the pain. My heart aches for the long, lonely nights without a baby crying and waking her up. For a while I looked at late night feedings as a chore, but now they are a blessing that I realize some mothers never get to enjoy.
I can't imagine carrying your child for that long, going to bed one night to her kicking, and then waking up to a stillness that kills your soul. I don't even want to imagine it.
The horrible part is, she is not alone in this pain and emptiness. There are so many mothers and fathers out there who have lost children at some point during a pregnancy. It took reading her story to really open my eyes to how blessed Jim and I are. It might have taken some medicines and shots for me to get pregnant, but I ended up having a healthy, full term pregnancy. I have never experienced the loss of a child I never even got to meet, and it's something that I pray I never have to face.
After reading this family's story, I now make a conscious effort to be thankful for Liam's crying, even in the middle of the night or when it interrupts a workout. At least I can hear his cry, some parents never do. I embrace having to shower in approximately 2 minutes in order to avoid him getting upset, at least he can miss me. He is the best part of my life and the thought of ever having to say good bye to him absolutely kills me. The pain these parents feel has to be so excruciating, and I know all I can do to help them is to pray that God surrounds them with his peace through this extreme darkness.
My message to all you hopefully one day moms, soon to be moms, new moms, and not so new moms is this: Learn from this woman's story like I did. Yes, you might still get frustrated with your screaming child when you can't figure out what's wrong, you're only human. But take a moment after the frustration has passed to thank God for your child and to pray for the mothers and fathers who have lost theirs. Try your best to enjoy every single moment with your child(ren), even the two o'clock in the morning "why won't you just go to sleep" ones. Because every second with your little one is a blessing that not all parents get to enjoy.
XOXO,
Courtney
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