I'm not ready

I say this a lot, but I'm not ready.

I'm not ready for Liam to be as tall as he is, he is now entirely flat footed as he shuffles around the house in his walker. 

I'm not ready for him to be able to hold his bottle on his own.

I'm not ready for him to able to put his pacifier back in his mouth without my help.

I'm not ready for him to sit up on his own.

I'm not ready for him to be eating solid food.

Honestly, I'm just generally struggling with my boy growing up so quickly. I knew that my parents always told me that time flies and my brother and I grew up in the blink of an eye, but now that I'm a mom all of those cliches have taken on a whole new meaning.

This really hit me last night. Let's set up the scene: My oldest nephew is spending a couple of nights with my parents because his younger brother is sick. Liam and I spent the night there last night as well since Jim was at work and my parents are keeping Liam while I'm at work this week and they live super close to the gym I work at.

So it's time for nephew to go to sleep and he decides he wants me to lay down with him, which is a first...normally it's Grandma, so I was ecstatic. As I lay next to him, staring at his head full of freshly washed blonde hair, I found myself getting emotional. I thought about the first time I held him three years ago. He was so tiny, but so heavy with the weight of potential and dreams yet to be lived out. I had never held a newborn baby before, I was always afraid I would break them or something. But that day I held him for so long and didn't want to let him go. I'm still struggling with letting him go. He's at the age of dodging pictures and rubbing off kisses, and you have to catch him if you want a hug usually. It's hard to believe that he's so big now. So tall. So smart. So full of big questions and funny comments. I feel like he shouldn't be so big already. 

I think about how fast he has grown up and it makes me want to tape my eyes open so I don't blink and miss Liam growing. Every time he does something new, I am first overcome with pride and joy that he's learning new things. But then the sadness hits me like a ton of bricks. The first time he got his pacifier back in his own mouth was specifically tough. It popped out of his mouth and when I reached to put it back in, he did it himself and looked at me as if to say "don't worry, mom, I got it". And I know I'll be hearing that for the rest of my life from him.

But I'm still not ready.

From what I can tell from these last five months, being a mom is all about being pulled in different directions. Not being able to wait until your kid can do things for himself, but then crying when he does. Begging him to just talk already, and then when he starts talking you pray for just a moment of silence. Counting down the days until he can spend the night at someone else's house so you can get a full night's sleep and then waking up every hour wondering how he's doing and missing him. Needing to balance being a good mom, while not forgetting your husband. 

I feel like this is nothing new, though, and for all you moms out there you probably know exactly what I'm talking about. I know I haven't come across anything revolutionary or mind blowing. This is all just so new for me. I have never wanted someone to become more independent, and stay dependent on me at the same time. I want him to still need me. And I know he will need me for a while longer, I just know this time is going to keep flying by.

So for all of you newer than me moms, moms to be, and women who hope to be moms one day...embrace every moment with your little one. I TRY, key word there is try, to enjoy even when Liam is being clingy and not wanting me to lay him down because I know it's not going to last forever. No, our house isn't spotless and there's usually laundry or dishes that need to be done, but if he wants cuddles I'm going to cuddle him while he still lets me.

XOXO,

Courtney

Tips for a Healthy Holiday

Christmas is just a few days away (YAY!) so I thought it might be a good idea if I shared some of my tips on keeping yourself from overeating or overindulging on Holiday goodies during this busy and celebration packed week.

1. EAT BREAKFAST-Now I don't mean Cocoa Puffs or Pop Tarts here...I mean a breakfast with high protein, healthy fats, and carbs to keep you full. You might think that just skipping breakfast would mean that you save calories, right? Well not really, because you'll be ravenous by lunchtime and then you'll probably overeat. On Thanksgiving I started out my day with my normal nutrient packed Shakeology and I plan to do the same all week long this week. We literally have family gatherings of some sort every day this week except today and Wednesday when Jim is at work, so it would be so easy to fall off track and gorge myself all week. But, starting off my day with a healthy, satisfying breakfast will help me stay on track.

2. Start off your day with exercise. If at all possible, try to get some sort of workout in before any family gathering where you'll be surrounded by all sorts of food. It starts your day off on a healthy note and gets your body moving and burning calories first thing. Even if it's "just" a walk around your neighborhood, get moving! I know you might have cooking and baking to do, but take a few minutes and move your body with some light cardio or body weight exercises like squats and pushups.

3. Eat your favorites. A few years ago I made the realization that I could save hundreds of calories if I stuck to simply eating my favorite things and cutting out the "meh, I'll eat some since it's here" foods. This is especially true for desserts. Skip the store bought mini candy bars and cookies and stick to a slice of your favorite homemade dessert your aunt or grandma makes.

4. Don't deprive yourself. Portion control is HUGE this time of the year. Want some macaroni and cheese? Mashed potatoes? Chocolate fudge? Cheesecake? Go for it! But before you go grab the whole dish and a fork, remember moderation is key! Try to balance out the not so good for you foods with fruits and veggies. Try to just get one (reasonably sized) spoonful of mac and cheese. Add some of those forgotten about green beans and fresh fruit if they're there. And if nobody is planning on bringing healthy options, you bring a couple! And if there's leftovers because you're the only one that ate any, great! That means there will be plenty for you to take home with you ;)

5. Make something festive and cute, but healthy. Pinterest is FULL of cute little desserts and finger foods that are made using foods that are good for you, especially fruit. One adorable such creation I saw at my father in law's Christmas party at his fire station Friday night. Somebody used grapes, bananas, strawberries, and mini marshmallows on kabob sticks to make adorable fruit Santas! So easy and adorable!

6. Moderation is still key. I honestly cannot stress this enough. Even at Christmas celebrations I try to stick to my 80/20 rule. If you look at my plate, it is usually 80% lean meat and fruits and veggies and 20% not so good for me stuff like dressing or my mom's lactose free mac and cheese (which is banging like a biscuit, by the way). So again, you can still eat some of all your favorite "bad things" but just try to balance it out with healthier choices.

7. WATER! Drink tons of water throughout the day. If you're thirsty you might mistake it for hunger. Also, if you're loading your body full of sweet tea and eggnog, that's just liquid calories that you could be using on yummy food ;)

8. Eat healthy when you can. When you aren't at a family gathering, try to make good food choices. Instead of grabbing a burger and fries on the road while you're traveling, try to go with a turkey breast sub sandwich and some baked chips or fruit. I know that doesn't sound as exciting, but that way you can save some of your calories for homemade dishes! I don't know about you, but I think homemade mac and cheese is much better than a drive thru hamburger.

9. Eat slowly. Try not to gobble down your food, I know it will all be delicious, but try to pace yourself. If you eat too quickly, your stomach won't have time to register that you're full, and you'll think you're still hungry and go grab more food. Then, you'll be too full and possibly miserable.

10. Focus on what matters the most. Instead of grazing all day long, try to really focus on spending time in conversations with your loved ones. Stop thinking about food and what's in the kitchen and focus on those around you and enjoying their company.

This. This is what matters during the Christmas season. Not all the food, not the presents, not plans going absolutely perfectly. 

Family and friends and adorable babies dressed up as Rudolph are what are most important.

XOXO and Merry Christmas,

Courtney

4 month updates!

I feel like I say this way too much-like every month-but I can't believe Liam is 4 months old already! 

This month brought several milestones that are so fun to watch, but I'm still struggling with my baby boy growing so fast! He's now a pro at rolling over, he loves flipping and flopping and he's now moved on to performing a Superman type move when he's on his tummy and trying to crawl. His back has got to be so strong now ;) He's now laughing out loud, which is my all time favorite sound and melts my heart every time. He can hold his bottle on his own (if he wants to, if not, you have to do it for him). He's also very fluent in gibberish and will look you straight in the eyes and coo and move his mouth like he is telling you some grand story, and I act like I understand exactly what he is saying. Sometimes strangers look at me like I'm crazy when I talk back to him and carry on "conversations" with my 4 month old, but I could honestly not care any less. How could I expect him to ever talk if I don't talk to him like a grown up?

Liam already is under the impression that he is a big boy. He tries to steal people's coffee and he grabs food off your plate if you're not paying attention.Thanksgiving Day I sat down to eat lunch with him in my lap and he instantly grabbed my roll and started licking it.

He also likes to try and drink out of water bottles and sippy cups, like I said, he thinks he's grown. He likes to sit in his walker and watch what we're doing if we're in the kitchen. He loves his door jumper too, he just spins in it right now, but I'm sure he'll but jumping in no time! He prefers to be sitting or standing when he's awake usually. He has to be in the right mood to lay down and there have to be toys for him to be entertained by, or he thinks you're trying to put him to sleep and he wants no part of it.

We went to the doctor for his four month check up on Wednesday and he had to get two shots :( 

He was a trooper yet again, though. He now weighs 16 lbs 1 oz (3 pounds gained since he was 2 months old) and he's 26 inches long (he grew 3 inches since his 2 month appointment). He's in the 75th percentile and he's following his curve perfectly, they said he's looking great and healthy! We get to start him on rice cereal and then move into stage one baby foods now, too. It is so exciting and we know Liam is going to love eating "real" food since he's already trying to steal off our plates. Jim has been at work since Wednesday so we plan on giving him some rice cereal tonight before his bottle and I can't wait!

Pre-shots, hanging out and terrorizing the table paper 

Now an update on my fitness! I'm now able to run 4.5 miles straight! We ran our first 5k as a family of three on November 14th and we were able to run the whole race without any walk breaks. 

When I wasn't sore at all the next day so I knew I could stick with running the whole distance. I feel like I'm finally getting back to where I was prepregnancy with my strength and endurance, which is a great feeling. I run three days a week and the other three days I do Beachbody workouts, like Hip Hops Abs or T25 cardio and I try to do some strength training on those days too. Variety is key and I'm trying to make sure I don't get bored!

This life I'm living is crazy. It's smelly. It's loud. But it is absolutely wonderful. I wouldn't want to change a single thing about the way my life is right now. Jim and I don't get to have romantic date nights every weekend, but that is perfectly fine with us. We're a family of three now, and our date nights usually include trying to catch up on Chicago Fire and our other TV shows while playing with Liam or feeding him a bottle. We do, however, have a date coming up in two weeks...STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS!! I never thought I would be excited to see such a movie...but I am not ashamed of this nerdness ;)

Our life is now focused on our sweet, crazy, loud, sometimes smelly, smiling, and weird (see picture below) little boy.

This life is beautiful and I am so thankful. I honestly don't know what consumed my time before our son was born, and honestly I'm so grateful to have my little snuggle buddy to take care of now. Being his mom is my greatest accomplishment in this life and I thank God every single day for giving him to us.

XOXO,

Courtney

 Thanksgiving with my best buddy and my AMAZING Maw Maw

 This face looks mischievous...

His hands are his new favorite teething accessory :)

My Journey to Liam

One year ago today at about 5 am my life changed. My world grew bigger. My heart exploded with excitement. My eyes filled with tears. I took a home pregnancy test and finally got the positive that we had been praying for.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

I think it's time I talk about our journey to our son. This blog will consist of period talk and maybe some awkward moments, but I'm discussing how I got pregnant, so it should be expected ;)

We decided to start trying to get pregnant in early spring 2014. I stopped taking my birth control and at the end of the month my period didn't come back. I called my doctor and she said to give it 90 days, sometimes after you go off the pill it can take your body a few months to get everything working on its own again. So I waited. For three long, period-less months. I called my doctor again and they prescribed me a hormone pill that I took for seven days to try and jump start my cycle. After the seventh day I waited 14 more long days. No period. I called my doctor and told her. They had me come in and get what the nurse described as the pill I had just taken in a shot form in my hip. I got the shot on Tuesday and my cycle started the next Monday.

I cried when it came back. This journey had me shed a good number of tears. 

I had two normal periods, then in November it didn't come back again. I was SO EXCITED!! So I took a home pregnancy test first thing in the morning the day after my cycle was supposed to start. One of those digital, expensive ones that can tell you that you're pregnant "up to six days before your missed period". 

Negative. 

WHAT? 

It made no sense. My running pace had slowed way down for no apparent reason, I just couldn't run any faster than about a 9 minute mile. I had woken up so nauseous I had to cancel my training clients one day about a week before. I have never been so nauseated, I would get dizzy if I stood up and I couldn't stomach anything solid. But I had no fever and I never threw up. I had started to really think those were pregnancy symptoms!

Great, I thought, my period just stopped again. There is something wrong with me and I'm infertile because of what I did to my body when I was battling my disordered eating. When I lost all of that weight so quickly, I didn't have a period for almost two years. 

I tried not to get discouraged and took another one first thing the next morning. This time I picked up a couple of cheaper ones instead of the fancy ones.

Negative.

I started looking into adoption. 

We wanted to start a family and I was willing to do whatever we had to in order to have a child. If my body couldn't do it, we would adopt.

The next Monday was Jim's birthday so we went out to dinner together that night to celebrate. After dinner I told Jim that I had been looking into adoption and he said he had been too. I told him that I was going to call my doctor the next day and tell her that my period had gone away again but I wasn't pregnant and to ask what we needed to do next. Jim told me to take one more test first thing the next morning, just to be sure. I agreed but knew that it would just be another heartbreaking no.

I woke up the next morning at 5 so that we could get a run in before we both had to be at work at 8. I shuffled into the bathroom, preparing for another gut wrenching moment with a stick I had just peed on.

It didn't even take the full two minutes to get that cheap, drugstore brand test to pop up with a thick, bold positive sign. 

WHAT?! Is this a dream? This can't be real! I instantly broke down into sobbing, and opened the bathroom door. 

I had planned a super cute way to tell Jim he was going to be a dad. It involved a pretty sweet Avengers toy and video taping the reveal. I like the way he found out even better, actually.

He was still in bed, but when I opened the bathroom door crying it woke him up and he asked me what was wrong.

"Absolutely nothing...(sob. sob. sob)"

"You're pregnant, aren't you?"

"Yes...(sob. sob. sob)"

I then went over to him and hugged him as he still laid in the bed, I thanked God over and over again and just cried and cried. Then do you know what my always practical husband said to me?

"Oh, get that thing off my pillow, you just peed on that!"

Gotta love that man. We then broke in hilarious laughter and just stared at the test in disbelief. I called my doctor while I was at work and set up my first appointment for exactly one month later. I took another test after work just to be sure. I went to the store and got more of the expensive digital ones and it was positive too, so I knew it wasn't just a dream.

Things have changed so much since that day. Now I have stretch marks, my skin is more stretched out, I can only run three miles, and I have a son that is worth it all and so much more. I wouldn't want to have stretch mark free skin anymore, I'm a mom and those marks remind me of what I went through for my son. This past year has been the best year of my life and I can't wait to see what amazing things Liam leads us to in the years to come.

XOXO,

Courtney

I am "that mom"

I am a walking new mom stereotype.

I am "that mom".

I am that mom who is constantly uploading pictures of my baby onto my social media sites. Why? Because my kid is cute and I'm proud to be his mom. Because I have tons of family and friends who live all over the place and don't get to see him much. Because it's my page to post about my life and right now my life is my son. If someone finds my posts annoying they can always unfollow me. But who could find baby pictures annoying?

I am that mom who is borderline obsessed with what milestones my son should be reaching by what age. I am almost daily looking up what teeth should be coming through and when, when he should be rolling over, when he should be laughing/talking, what age he should start to crawl etc. It's so ridiculous because most of those milestones I have little to no impact on when he will reach them. I want to make sure he'son track, though. I want to be sure that we are doing everything we possibly can to make sure that he is growing and developing how he "should be". I'm told this is normal for first time moms especially, but I'm just trying to not compare him to other babies. He will do all of those things when he's ready.

I am that mom that gets spit up on or peed on and doesn't worry about changing her clothes. Why? Because it's bound to just happen again anyway. And honestly, I mean who do I have to impress? My husband compliments me even when I look like a complete hot mess, which leads me to my next point...

I am that mom who has her hair pulled back in a hot mess ponytail 90% of the time. Why? Because my son loves to pull on my hair and he has the grip of a grown man. Because even when it's pulled back he's able to rip strands out of the ponytail holder and after twenty times or so I get tired of fixing it, so it just stays a hot mess.

I am that mom who gets frustrated. Why? Because I am clueless and my son and I speak two different languages. I speak English and he speaks "scream your head off frantically while still somehow looking adorable". That's the thing, too. He can be screaming his head off at me for no reason that I can find and he is still so stinking cute I can't even deal with it. But sometimes I find myself getting frustrated. I'm his mom, just my presence should make him stop crying...shouldn't it? My voice should instantly calm him every time...shouldn't it? I should know just from his cry exactly what is wrong and be able to fix it instantly...shouldn't I?
I am having to realize that I'm no supermom.
I can't just speak and calm my baby. I have to check his diaper, cuddle him, lay him down and see if he wants to play, see if he's hungry, and then see if maybe his teething gums hurt. Process of elimination is key with us.

I am that mom who thinks she's failing at being a mom. There, I said it. There are times that I feel like I'm going to seriously screw my kid up in some way. It is basically the blind leading the blind, after all. I'm constantly reading an article about how something that I'm doing is deemed "wrong". And that gets to me. I'm doing the best that I can, and I love my son more than I ever thought possible, but it's hard to not get down on yourself. I literally have no clue what I am doing in this whole motherhood thing. Being a mom is the most amazing thing, but it is very overwhelming at times. Jim and I are responsible for this tiny human. We are responsible for making sure that he develops into a strong, God loving man (who loves his mama). Some days the only thing I know to do is pray. Pray that he turns out okay, despite his parents being completely clueless. Pray that he finds his life's passion and pray that he finds love one day. Pray that he will treat his wife with love and respect. Pray that he is as good of a father as his dad. Pray that despite all of our shortcomings, he turns out just fine.

Honestly, that is probably the best thing we can do for him. God gave him to us, after all. So it only makes sense that we give him to God to protect and to guide us through his whole parenting journey. Because I'm finding that is exactly what parenthood is...a sometimes smelly, occasionally frustrating, often comical, always beautiful, and amazingly wonderful journey.

XOXO,
Courtney

Baby must haves!

I've only been a mom for about 3.5 months now, but I've already noticed some products that we seriously couldn't go a day without. Liam definitely has a budding personality and he has let us know pretty strongly what he likes and what he's not a fan of.

MUST HAVES:
1. Wubbanub-the boy loves these things! He actually has two, a penguin that stays in his diaper bag and a giraffe that stays at home. We registered for both because Jim said we didn't know if Liam would like one better than the other. And it ended up being a great idea, we never have to really worry about leaving it at home or misplacing one because he's got a backup just in case.

 
2. Ergo Baby Carrier-I love this thing and thankfully Liam does too. I've used it for walking around the mall, going to Costco, and even walking to high school football games. I've even worn him around the house while I cleaned up and did laundry! It's kind of difficult to put on by myself because of the upper back clip, but it can be done. Thankfully Jim realized (on the day I was scheduled to be induced) that we need the infant insert until Liam's about 4 months old. It helps to keep him more stable. I love the fact that the carrier will transition with him until he's 45 pounds!

3. Baby Einstein Nautical Friends Play Gym-Liam will lay on this thing for hours! He's even been known to fall asleep on it if he's tired himself out playing. He loves the mirror and giving himself the stink eye in it. He loves all the hanging down toys and he will yell at them and punch them around, which is pretty entertaining for us as well!

4. Hoodie-this is not brand specific or style specific. The boy loves hoods! He's not always a fan of hats, and since he doesn't have too much hair yet and it's getting colder outside, he needs something on that noggin and baby hoodies do the trick!

5. LOTS of bibs and burp cloths-We should have registered for burp cloths. We did not. Thankfully we were given a good number anyways, because we can go through several in one day depending on if Mr. Liam holds in burps. He likes to burp on his own terms and then when he does burp, sometimes an hour after he eats, it can make a mess! He currently has two teeth trying to come through, so bibs are being soaked through on the regular as well. Thankfully he has tons of adorable ones!
6. Gowns-He isn't always a huge fan of his feet being trapped in them, but once his feet are free he is so content. And we love the ease gowns bring to night time diaper changes. No buttons, no snaps, no trying to get his constantly kicking feet back into footie pajamas.

The main thing I have learned so far is that every baby is different, and just because it's on another mom's "must have" list, it doesn't mean your baby will need it or even like it. For instance, we can't use pee pee tee pees. Liam just kicks them off and pees everywhere anyway. A washcloth works just as good, actually it works better. And we didn't even register for a wipes warmer, I decided it would just complicate diaper changes outside of the house when we had to use room temperature wipes.

So, moms to be, take these product recommendations with a grain of salt, because who knows what your baby will like! I just thought these products were worthy of a shoutout!

XOXO,
Courtney

Life with our three month old

Liam turned three months old last Thursday and I know I sound like a broken record, but I just can't believe it! I feel like he grows and changes overnight...every night. He is getting stronger and sassier with every passing day, and it's so fun to watch him learn new things. 

Over the past month his personality has just exploded and I love it! He is such a fun little guy and he loves to smile, laugh and talk. The boy is trying so hard to talk and he will gabber nonsense at you for as long as you'll talk to him. He has started to laugh/squeak and it is my favorite little sound in the world. I don't have to work very hard for his gummy grins anymore, either. I walk into the room and say anything to him and he breaks out in the biggest grin...and my heart melts. He really smiles with his whole body, too. He'll usually either draw his legs up or stick them straight out and bring his hands together and raise his shoulders when he grins or laughs.

He's also now rolling over from his tummy to his back like a pro. He's trying to get the rollover from his back to his tummy, but it's taking more time. He's got the roll from his back onto his side, but he hasn't quite figured out how to keep going onto his stomach. It's alright, he'll get there soon enough I'm sure. His legs are NEVER still when he's awake, either. I've told Jim that once Liam is mobile, we're in trouble because he is never going to sit still. 

He has started really interacting and playing with his toys, which is so fun. He will grab a toy laying near him if he wants it and hold onto it, lick it, bite it, etc. Then when he's done with it, he throws it. He still loves ceiling fans and anything bright. He will stare at the TV for hours, no matter what is on. Any toy that plays music and lights up is a guaranteed hit as well. 

 Watching Chicago PD with daddy (aka his twin).

He also (thankfully) loves his Ergo carrier. My parents and I took him to his first high school football game Friday night and he did amazing! He fell asleep on the walk to the stadium from our house in the carrier and when he woke up, he was slightly confused as to where we were, but he didn't cry or whine. Football was less than interesting to him, but the band? Holy cow he loved the band! I guess he's going to be a band nerd like his mama and daddy.

Football game cuddles!

For Halloween he dressed up as Yoda, which let me tell you, was just the cutest thing ever! Mini light saber and all. Jim's mom made his costume and it was perfect! He didn't even mind the Yoda ears, he is so chill it blows my mind sometimes.

Now how is Liam's mama doing? I'm feeling great! This morning on my run/walk and I was feeling really good so two of my normal four minute run intervals turned into ten minutes and it felt amazing! I'm up to about 3.5 miles on the days I hit the pavement and it feels so good! I'm only about three pounds away from my pre pregnancy weight AND a non scale related fitness accomplishment from this week...I FIT INTO MY SKINNY JEANS AGAIN. Comfortably, too. It took some courage to try them back on, but when I pulled them up and they buttoned, without making me uncomfortable, I felt like crying. I tell you, the biggest victories in this journey of getting my body back in shape aren't happening on the scale. 

They're happening in my mind, my wardrobe, and my workouts.

XOXO,

Courtney