My Journey to Liam

One year ago today at about 5 am my life changed. My world grew bigger. My heart exploded with excitement. My eyes filled with tears. I took a home pregnancy test and finally got the positive that we had been praying for.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

I think it's time I talk about our journey to our son. This blog will consist of period talk and maybe some awkward moments, but I'm discussing how I got pregnant, so it should be expected ;)

We decided to start trying to get pregnant in early spring 2014. I stopped taking my birth control and at the end of the month my period didn't come back. I called my doctor and she said to give it 90 days, sometimes after you go off the pill it can take your body a few months to get everything working on its own again. So I waited. For three long, period-less months. I called my doctor again and they prescribed me a hormone pill that I took for seven days to try and jump start my cycle. After the seventh day I waited 14 more long days. No period. I called my doctor and told her. They had me come in and get what the nurse described as the pill I had just taken in a shot form in my hip. I got the shot on Tuesday and my cycle started the next Monday.

I cried when it came back. This journey had me shed a good number of tears. 

I had two normal periods, then in November it didn't come back again. I was SO EXCITED!! So I took a home pregnancy test first thing in the morning the day after my cycle was supposed to start. One of those digital, expensive ones that can tell you that you're pregnant "up to six days before your missed period". 

Negative. 

WHAT? 

It made no sense. My running pace had slowed way down for no apparent reason, I just couldn't run any faster than about a 9 minute mile. I had woken up so nauseous I had to cancel my training clients one day about a week before. I have never been so nauseated, I would get dizzy if I stood up and I couldn't stomach anything solid. But I had no fever and I never threw up. I had started to really think those were pregnancy symptoms!

Great, I thought, my period just stopped again. There is something wrong with me and I'm infertile because of what I did to my body when I was battling my disordered eating. When I lost all of that weight so quickly, I didn't have a period for almost two years. 

I tried not to get discouraged and took another one first thing the next morning. This time I picked up a couple of cheaper ones instead of the fancy ones.

Negative.

I started looking into adoption. 

We wanted to start a family and I was willing to do whatever we had to in order to have a child. If my body couldn't do it, we would adopt.

The next Monday was Jim's birthday so we went out to dinner together that night to celebrate. After dinner I told Jim that I had been looking into adoption and he said he had been too. I told him that I was going to call my doctor the next day and tell her that my period had gone away again but I wasn't pregnant and to ask what we needed to do next. Jim told me to take one more test first thing the next morning, just to be sure. I agreed but knew that it would just be another heartbreaking no.

I woke up the next morning at 5 so that we could get a run in before we both had to be at work at 8. I shuffled into the bathroom, preparing for another gut wrenching moment with a stick I had just peed on.

It didn't even take the full two minutes to get that cheap, drugstore brand test to pop up with a thick, bold positive sign. 

WHAT?! Is this a dream? This can't be real! I instantly broke down into sobbing, and opened the bathroom door. 

I had planned a super cute way to tell Jim he was going to be a dad. It involved a pretty sweet Avengers toy and video taping the reveal. I like the way he found out even better, actually.

He was still in bed, but when I opened the bathroom door crying it woke him up and he asked me what was wrong.

"Absolutely nothing...(sob. sob. sob)"

"You're pregnant, aren't you?"

"Yes...(sob. sob. sob)"

I then went over to him and hugged him as he still laid in the bed, I thanked God over and over again and just cried and cried. Then do you know what my always practical husband said to me?

"Oh, get that thing off my pillow, you just peed on that!"

Gotta love that man. We then broke in hilarious laughter and just stared at the test in disbelief. I called my doctor while I was at work and set up my first appointment for exactly one month later. I took another test after work just to be sure. I went to the store and got more of the expensive digital ones and it was positive too, so I knew it wasn't just a dream.

Things have changed so much since that day. Now I have stretch marks, my skin is more stretched out, I can only run three miles, and I have a son that is worth it all and so much more. I wouldn't want to have stretch mark free skin anymore, I'm a mom and those marks remind me of what I went through for my son. This past year has been the best year of my life and I can't wait to see what amazing things Liam leads us to in the years to come.

XOXO,

Courtney

I am "that mom"

I am a walking new mom stereotype.

I am "that mom".

I am that mom who is constantly uploading pictures of my baby onto my social media sites. Why? Because my kid is cute and I'm proud to be his mom. Because I have tons of family and friends who live all over the place and don't get to see him much. Because it's my page to post about my life and right now my life is my son. If someone finds my posts annoying they can always unfollow me. But who could find baby pictures annoying?

I am that mom who is borderline obsessed with what milestones my son should be reaching by what age. I am almost daily looking up what teeth should be coming through and when, when he should be rolling over, when he should be laughing/talking, what age he should start to crawl etc. It's so ridiculous because most of those milestones I have little to no impact on when he will reach them. I want to make sure he'son track, though. I want to be sure that we are doing everything we possibly can to make sure that he is growing and developing how he "should be". I'm told this is normal for first time moms especially, but I'm just trying to not compare him to other babies. He will do all of those things when he's ready.

I am that mom that gets spit up on or peed on and doesn't worry about changing her clothes. Why? Because it's bound to just happen again anyway. And honestly, I mean who do I have to impress? My husband compliments me even when I look like a complete hot mess, which leads me to my next point...

I am that mom who has her hair pulled back in a hot mess ponytail 90% of the time. Why? Because my son loves to pull on my hair and he has the grip of a grown man. Because even when it's pulled back he's able to rip strands out of the ponytail holder and after twenty times or so I get tired of fixing it, so it just stays a hot mess.

I am that mom who gets frustrated. Why? Because I am clueless and my son and I speak two different languages. I speak English and he speaks "scream your head off frantically while still somehow looking adorable". That's the thing, too. He can be screaming his head off at me for no reason that I can find and he is still so stinking cute I can't even deal with it. But sometimes I find myself getting frustrated. I'm his mom, just my presence should make him stop crying...shouldn't it? My voice should instantly calm him every time...shouldn't it? I should know just from his cry exactly what is wrong and be able to fix it instantly...shouldn't I?
I am having to realize that I'm no supermom.
I can't just speak and calm my baby. I have to check his diaper, cuddle him, lay him down and see if he wants to play, see if he's hungry, and then see if maybe his teething gums hurt. Process of elimination is key with us.

I am that mom who thinks she's failing at being a mom. There, I said it. There are times that I feel like I'm going to seriously screw my kid up in some way. It is basically the blind leading the blind, after all. I'm constantly reading an article about how something that I'm doing is deemed "wrong". And that gets to me. I'm doing the best that I can, and I love my son more than I ever thought possible, but it's hard to not get down on yourself. I literally have no clue what I am doing in this whole motherhood thing. Being a mom is the most amazing thing, but it is very overwhelming at times. Jim and I are responsible for this tiny human. We are responsible for making sure that he develops into a strong, God loving man (who loves his mama). Some days the only thing I know to do is pray. Pray that he turns out okay, despite his parents being completely clueless. Pray that he finds his life's passion and pray that he finds love one day. Pray that he will treat his wife with love and respect. Pray that he is as good of a father as his dad. Pray that despite all of our shortcomings, he turns out just fine.

Honestly, that is probably the best thing we can do for him. God gave him to us, after all. So it only makes sense that we give him to God to protect and to guide us through his whole parenting journey. Because I'm finding that is exactly what parenthood is...a sometimes smelly, occasionally frustrating, often comical, always beautiful, and amazingly wonderful journey.

XOXO,
Courtney

Baby must haves!

I've only been a mom for about 3.5 months now, but I've already noticed some products that we seriously couldn't go a day without. Liam definitely has a budding personality and he has let us know pretty strongly what he likes and what he's not a fan of.

MUST HAVES:
1. Wubbanub-the boy loves these things! He actually has two, a penguin that stays in his diaper bag and a giraffe that stays at home. We registered for both because Jim said we didn't know if Liam would like one better than the other. And it ended up being a great idea, we never have to really worry about leaving it at home or misplacing one because he's got a backup just in case.

 
2. Ergo Baby Carrier-I love this thing and thankfully Liam does too. I've used it for walking around the mall, going to Costco, and even walking to high school football games. I've even worn him around the house while I cleaned up and did laundry! It's kind of difficult to put on by myself because of the upper back clip, but it can be done. Thankfully Jim realized (on the day I was scheduled to be induced) that we need the infant insert until Liam's about 4 months old. It helps to keep him more stable. I love the fact that the carrier will transition with him until he's 45 pounds!

3. Baby Einstein Nautical Friends Play Gym-Liam will lay on this thing for hours! He's even been known to fall asleep on it if he's tired himself out playing. He loves the mirror and giving himself the stink eye in it. He loves all the hanging down toys and he will yell at them and punch them around, which is pretty entertaining for us as well!

4. Hoodie-this is not brand specific or style specific. The boy loves hoods! He's not always a fan of hats, and since he doesn't have too much hair yet and it's getting colder outside, he needs something on that noggin and baby hoodies do the trick!

5. LOTS of bibs and burp cloths-We should have registered for burp cloths. We did not. Thankfully we were given a good number anyways, because we can go through several in one day depending on if Mr. Liam holds in burps. He likes to burp on his own terms and then when he does burp, sometimes an hour after he eats, it can make a mess! He currently has two teeth trying to come through, so bibs are being soaked through on the regular as well. Thankfully he has tons of adorable ones!
6. Gowns-He isn't always a huge fan of his feet being trapped in them, but once his feet are free he is so content. And we love the ease gowns bring to night time diaper changes. No buttons, no snaps, no trying to get his constantly kicking feet back into footie pajamas.

The main thing I have learned so far is that every baby is different, and just because it's on another mom's "must have" list, it doesn't mean your baby will need it or even like it. For instance, we can't use pee pee tee pees. Liam just kicks them off and pees everywhere anyway. A washcloth works just as good, actually it works better. And we didn't even register for a wipes warmer, I decided it would just complicate diaper changes outside of the house when we had to use room temperature wipes.

So, moms to be, take these product recommendations with a grain of salt, because who knows what your baby will like! I just thought these products were worthy of a shoutout!

XOXO,
Courtney

Life with our three month old

Liam turned three months old last Thursday and I know I sound like a broken record, but I just can't believe it! I feel like he grows and changes overnight...every night. He is getting stronger and sassier with every passing day, and it's so fun to watch him learn new things. 

Over the past month his personality has just exploded and I love it! He is such a fun little guy and he loves to smile, laugh and talk. The boy is trying so hard to talk and he will gabber nonsense at you for as long as you'll talk to him. He has started to laugh/squeak and it is my favorite little sound in the world. I don't have to work very hard for his gummy grins anymore, either. I walk into the room and say anything to him and he breaks out in the biggest grin...and my heart melts. He really smiles with his whole body, too. He'll usually either draw his legs up or stick them straight out and bring his hands together and raise his shoulders when he grins or laughs.

He's also now rolling over from his tummy to his back like a pro. He's trying to get the rollover from his back to his tummy, but it's taking more time. He's got the roll from his back onto his side, but he hasn't quite figured out how to keep going onto his stomach. It's alright, he'll get there soon enough I'm sure. His legs are NEVER still when he's awake, either. I've told Jim that once Liam is mobile, we're in trouble because he is never going to sit still. 

He has started really interacting and playing with his toys, which is so fun. He will grab a toy laying near him if he wants it and hold onto it, lick it, bite it, etc. Then when he's done with it, he throws it. He still loves ceiling fans and anything bright. He will stare at the TV for hours, no matter what is on. Any toy that plays music and lights up is a guaranteed hit as well. 

 Watching Chicago PD with daddy (aka his twin).

He also (thankfully) loves his Ergo carrier. My parents and I took him to his first high school football game Friday night and he did amazing! He fell asleep on the walk to the stadium from our house in the carrier and when he woke up, he was slightly confused as to where we were, but he didn't cry or whine. Football was less than interesting to him, but the band? Holy cow he loved the band! I guess he's going to be a band nerd like his mama and daddy.

Football game cuddles!

For Halloween he dressed up as Yoda, which let me tell you, was just the cutest thing ever! Mini light saber and all. Jim's mom made his costume and it was perfect! He didn't even mind the Yoda ears, he is so chill it blows my mind sometimes.

Now how is Liam's mama doing? I'm feeling great! This morning on my run/walk and I was feeling really good so two of my normal four minute run intervals turned into ten minutes and it felt amazing! I'm up to about 3.5 miles on the days I hit the pavement and it feels so good! I'm only about three pounds away from my pre pregnancy weight AND a non scale related fitness accomplishment from this week...I FIT INTO MY SKINNY JEANS AGAIN. Comfortably, too. It took some courage to try them back on, but when I pulled them up and they buttoned, without making me uncomfortable, I felt like crying. I tell you, the biggest victories in this journey of getting my body back in shape aren't happening on the scale. 

They're happening in my mind, my wardrobe, and my workouts.

XOXO,

Courtney

An Open Letter To My Husband

Dear Husband,

It's only been about two and a half years since we said our wedding vows, but we have been through so much together since then. I have fallen even more in love with you and I didn't think that was even possible on May 25, 2013. Lately, though, I feel like you have been neglected and I'm so sorry. I know that our focus needs to be on Liam. He needs us for everything, after all. But I feel like I haven't been paying you as much attention as I should.

This past weekend we went to Atlanta to see Taylor Swift together, just the two of us. I missed our baby boy more than I thought I could in a 24 hour period, but I really enjoyed our time together. It made me realize that I have been neglecting our relationship lately. I know that our relationship has to change some now that we're parents, but there are some things that I don't want to change. Let's never stop holding hands or giving each other hello and good bye kisses and I love yous. Let's never stop laughing together, and let's try to not get so frustrated with each other when we can't get Liam to calm down. I think we're doing a great job in raising him, but let's not sacrifice our relationship in the process.

We need to remember that without our love, there would be no Liam.

And I need to clear something up for you. The other day you were trying to help me out by putting my laundry away and I got frustrated when you said my dresser drawers were too full and you didn't know where anything would fit. I need to explain why I got upset.

I know I need to clean out my clothes. But I also know what that entails. Cleaning out all of those clothes means trying on all of those cute prepregnancy outfits. Those cute workout clothes that I'm not sure will fit me again. And even if they do fit me, I'm not sure I want to see what I look like in them now. My body has changed since I last wore the majority of those clothes. I'm getting close to my prepregnancy weight, only about 4 pounds to go, but my body is just different now. I have looser skin in my tummy area. I have stretch marks.

I'm in such a good place with my body image right now, though. I feel strong, healthy, and happy. I'm terrified that if I try some of those old clothes on and they don't fit, or I look "bad" in them, I might slip back into some of my old unhealthy eating habits. I know I need to try on my old clothes, I'm just not ready yet. So please just bear with me. I'll get to it, I promise. I'm not just being lazy, I'm terrified to put those clothes on. I'm terrified of what I'll see looking back at me in the mirror when I put those clothes from a year ago back on.

I have been working so hard these past three months, working out and eating healthy, to try and get my body back into a shape I recognize. I'm finally getting to a place where I feel like I look pretty close to "prepregnancy me", plus slightly wider hips and some stretch marks/tiger stripes here and there.

So please just try to understand, patient husband, that I'm not just being grumpy or rude sometimes. I'm struggling with getting my body back into something I'm proud of and happy with. So if I seem to be snippy with you, just know that it's not you I'm frustrated with, it's more than likely what I see looking back at me in the mirror or the number on the scale or some article of clothing I wanted to wear but that doesn't fit quite the same anymore.

I love you, husband, thank you for still finding me beautiful, even when I was 40 pounds heavier with cankles and an irritated attitude. I know you still think I'm beautiful now, I just need to believe it myself.

I love you to the moon and back fifty million times,
Courtney

Stronger than ever

It's been 12 weeks since we welcomed Mr. Liam into our lives.

He is growing like a weed and getting stronger everyday. It's amazing to me just how quickly he is developing and growing. I sat him up in his Bumbo chair on the couch for the first time yesterday and it made me a little sad. I don't think he should be big enough to sit in his own chair yet...but apparently he is! He loves to sit up "like a big boy" and lay on his own and play with his toys. Until he's tired that is, then he wants to snuggle...which is perfectly fine with me!

Watching Paw Patrol (his favorite show) with Pop

Just chilling in his own chair (don't worry, I never left his side)

As he gets stronger, his mama is working on getting stronger too. I've started incorporating run/walks back into my exercise routine this week and so far I'm feeling great! Monday morning I did about 2.5 miles with 2 minute run/walk intervals and yesterday I did 3 miles with the same intervals. Tuesday and today I've done Beachbody workouts to make sure I'm keeping some variety in my workouts. 

Getting back in shape after having a baby is hard work. 

From an athletic standpoint I'm the slowest I've been in years. 

I'm weaker than I used to be. 

I can't run as far as I used to be able to.

But at the same time, I feel so strong. I am in better shape than I was a few months ago, that's for sure. But more than that, I feel strong because of what my body has done over the past year. My body was the home for our son for 41 weeks and 2 days. I then endured two days in the hospital in labor trying to bring him into the outside world. Then I pushed an eight pound human out of a hole the size of a bagel. Yeah, I seriously just typed that. I then endured weeks of pain and discomfort as my body recovered from the whole ordeal.

I AM STRONG.

God used my body to create a perfect, precious, gorgeous baby boy and then He gave me the strength to deliver him. I know that all of that determination came from someone far greater than me, and I am thankful everyday that He got us through the pregnancy and labor and delivery safely. 

I know that my body can't athletically do what it could before. But I'm okay with that. Even if I'm never as fast as I was before, my body has done something so remarkable and I am so proud of what it has accomplished. I might not be able to run a half marathon in 1 hour and 39 minutes, but I can run/walk three miles while pushing a baby stroller. To me, that is just fine.

 And now I have the most adorable workout partner I have ever seen, which makes working out that much more enjoyable. Before our run yesterday, he had to warm up his legs when he got in his stroller, he seriously was pumping them like he had to get ready to run while I was warming up. 

All ready to run with his Nike booties!

I thought before Liam was born that I would be okay with being slower and not in the best shape of my life after he was born. But I had no idea just how okay with it I would be. He is so much more important and special to me than any race, run, or workout ever could be.

XOXO,

Courtney

11 Weeks Old Today

My little man is ELEVEN weeks old today?!? 

When did that happen, seriously? I cannot believe that eleven weeks ago I was in the hospital, surrounded by loved ones, trying so hard to bring that gorgeous little one into the outside world. 

Even though it's been almost three months since I was carrying him in my tummy, I still find myself talking to him when I'm by myself. I got so used to talking to Liam when I was driving, walking around at work, and just randomly through my day. I would narrate what was going on and tell him "Come, Liam" when I would get out of my car. I still find myself doing that and I have to catch myself and remember...wait, he's not here right now. And then I feel sad because he's not always with me anymore. For 40 weeks he was ALWAYS with me. He was my little partner in crime. He was always there, listening to the beat of my heart. The last few months of my pregnancy I could feel every time he moved. I knew when he had the hiccups and I could tell they bothered him because he would start kicking and trying to get away from them. When a song came on the radio that he really liked, I knew it by the way he would bounce around. When he recognized someone's voice, he let me know by kicking at them. 

Now I get to see all those jabs and kicks and hear his adorable coos. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE seeing him, holding him, talking to him, and seeing that gorgeous gummy grin. But now I have to share him. He's no longer just mine to hold. But I think the hardest thing is that I miss him so much when I'm away from him. When I was pregnant with him, he was always with me. Everywhere I went, Liam was with me. And now, I have to leave him everyday to go to work and it kills me every single time. 

And he is growing so fast it almost hurts me. He's holding his head up better and better everyday. He smiles every time I walk into the room. He's starting to laugh out loud. He's starting to sit up from a leaned back position, and he doesn't like to just lay down..he wants to sit up like a big boy. It makes me so proud to watch him grow, but it makes me sad too.

Part of me is such a proud mama and I post SO MANY pictures and videos of him every time he starts to do something new (sorry if you follow me on social media, I can't help myself). I am so proud of that boy and how strong and smart he is already. But on the other hand, watching him grow so fast almost breaks my heart. I look back at pictures of him when he was first born and he was so tiny looking! He was so small and helpless, and he needed me for everything. I can't help but to think about how soon he won't need me for as much. And that makes me sad. He has started trying to hold his own bottle and that kills me. He's still supposed to need his mama for everything, right?? 

It really is a constant battle inside of my heart and mind between swelling with pride and breaking with sadness. I don't know how I feel about him growing up so quickly. We're so blessed to have a happy and healthy baby boy that's growing and developing normally, and I know that. But I still want him to be my little baby forever.

 But I guess even when he's older and has a family of his own, he'll still be my baby, right? 

So my message to all you moms to be is to enjoy every single second of your pregnancy. Even when you're nauseous and your feet and hands are so swollen that you don't even recognize them...wait, you can't see your feet anymore, never mind. Even when your back hurts and you're out of breath from just standing up. Sit back and feel your little one kicking your rib cage, because he/she won't be in your tummy forever. To all you newer than me mamas, enjoy holding your tiny baby because he/she will be wanting to sit up and move around before you know it. Time is going to fly by faster than you knew it could, so enjoy every second with your little one, even if he/she is screaming and you don't know why. Just hold that baby close and surround him/her with love and comfort. Because all too soon that tiny baby will be all grown up.

Oh yeah, all of this sadness at babies growing up so fast is currently being made worse by that fact that my oldest nephew turns THREE next Tuesday. We bought his birthday present last night and I got very upset at having to buy that boy 3T clothes. I just kept saying that there is no way he is that big and I don't like buying him that size. Jim had to tell me numerous times that Ray is growing, like kids do and it will be okay.

 I'm just an emotional mess right now with these boys growing up so fast, stupid hormones.

XOXO, 

Courtney  

This is how Liam hangs out while I exercise. 

He laughs at me dancing to Hips Hop Abs, I guess me dancing is funny ;)

Mr. Liam was sitting up and then got excited and fell over. 

Poor thing looks like a tiny drunk adult.