Two Month Reality Check

Mr. Liam turned two months old yesterday and I am honestly still in shock that it's been that long since I held him for the first time. These past two months have flown by in a way that I never knew time could move. They have been the most joyous two months of my life. Being a mom is tough, though. I'm exhausted. Sometimes I get frustrated when Liam won't let me put him down to just run and take a quick shower, or I'm in the middle of a great workout and he suddenly wakes up for no reason and wants me to hold him. I hate that I get frustrated with him wanting me when it "inconveniences" me, but I'm human so I guess it's only natural.

However, I had a major reality check recently one night when I was scrolling through Facebook. A friend of mine shared this post from a mother whose daughter was stillborn, she was 40w6d. Her story is here if you haven't read it already. I'm warning you, grab some tissues because it will rip every shred of your heart out. 

After reading this gut wrenching and heart breaking story through tears, I held my precious boy so tight. I apologized to him for any time I ever got frustrated with him. Having a baby that wants you to hold him/her is not a curse. It might feel like an inconvenience, but I realized that it is the biggest blessing. I have my son to hold, kiss, and rock to sleep. That mother has empty arms and a huge hole in her heart. I had to go through all the postpartum pain, but I could hold my baby boy and look into his beautiful eyes and know it was all worth it. She is having to go through it all too, but has no baby in her arms to make it all worth the pain. My heart aches for the long, lonely nights without a baby crying and waking her up. For a while I looked at late night feedings as a chore, but now they are a blessing that I realize some mothers never get to enjoy.

I can't imagine carrying your child for that long, going to bed one night to her kicking, and then waking up to a stillness that kills your soul. I don't even want to imagine it. 

The horrible part is, she is not alone in this pain and emptiness. There are so many mothers and fathers out there who have lost children at some point during a pregnancy. It took reading her story to really open my eyes to how blessed Jim and I are. It might have taken some medicines and shots for me to get pregnant, but I ended up having a healthy, full term pregnancy. I have never experienced the loss of a child I never even got to meet, and it's something that I pray I never have to face. 

After reading this family's story, I now make a conscious effort to be thankful for Liam's crying, even in the middle of the night or when it interrupts a workout. At least I can hear his cry, some parents never do. I embrace having to shower in approximately 2 minutes in order to avoid him getting upset, at least he can miss me. He is the best part of my life and the thought of ever having to say good bye to him absolutely kills me. The pain these parents feel has to be so excruciating, and I know all I can do to help them is to pray that God surrounds them with his peace through this extreme darkness.

My message to all you hopefully one day moms, soon to be moms, new moms, and not so new moms is this: Learn from this woman's story like I did. Yes, you might still get frustrated with your screaming child when you can't figure out what's wrong, you're only human. But take a moment after the frustration has passed to thank God for your child and to pray for the mothers and fathers who have lost theirs. Try your best to enjoy every single moment with your child(ren), even the two o'clock in the morning "why won't you just go to sleep" ones. Because every second with your little one is a blessing that not all parents get to enjoy.

XOXO,

Courtney

The TRUTH about postpartum

So this post might be a little graphic, so I am giving you fair warning. If you don't want to know about the gore of postpartum and recovery then you should probably put down your phone/tablet or step away from your computer now.

Okay...you've been warned. If you're still reading this, don't blame me if you find parts of this stomach churning ;)

I did a TON of research on labor and delivery during my pregnancy. We went to childbirth class. I did my homework on what would lead up to Liam's birth. But then I just kind of skimmed over what would happen after he was born. I just knew that delivery would be the worst of it and then I'd be good to go. WRONG. Postpartum, or what is sometimes called the fourth trimester, was the hardest part for me.

A lot of women don't tell the honest truth about postpartum. I think it's because we're scared of grossing people out. So we just say we're feeling fine and then move the focus onto how ADORABLE our baby is. Well I'm done with that. It's time I tell all you moms to be and ladies that someday want to have a baby what it's really like after you give birth.

1. You're going to bleed...A LOT. I wasn't nearly stocked up enough on pads. You're going to need the thick overnight ones at first, forget the little normal sized ones. Those are no good for the first week or so. I bled for about 4 weeks postpartum and at first it's heavy...I mean "how in the world am I not dying from this much blood loss" heavy. When I got out of bed for the first time about an hour or so after Liam was born...it was bad. Jim was holding little man and they had finishing stitching me up and getting my mesh undies (more on that sexiness in a little bit) and pads on me. My epidural had worn off so I could stand and walk again and I felt like I really had to pee. I told the nurses so they helped me slowly and carefully swing my legs off the bed and stand. As soon as I stood up I thought "Oops...I'm peeing myself...I can feel it running down my legs..." Then I looked down. Nope, not pee. Blood. Down my legs and onto the floor. The nurses assured me I was fine and that was normal. I started to feel lightheaded. They got me to the bathroom and onto the toilet. I couldn't pee. Everything hurt down there. My ears started ringing and my vision started to blur. Yeah, I passed out. The nurses woke me up and started putting cold rags on my neck and face. Then I decided to let them know about my panic attacks, I probably should have sooner...oops. My anxiety at the sight of all that blood, paired with the fact that I hadn't eaten since Tuesday night and it was now about 1 am on Thursday, and I hadn't stood up since that morning...yeah it was a recipe for me to pass out. They got me a new gown, mesh undies, and all the lovelies for inside those mesh undies and escorted me back to my bed. Lesson from this story, be prepared for blood to possibly pour out the first couple of times you stand up. You aren't dying and you won't be the first one it happens to.

2. It will be hard to go to the bathroom. For the first few hours I felt like I had to pee but just couldn't. Thanks to having a catheter and then just the fear of it hurting, it took me hours before I could actually pee. Then when I could, it was uncomfortable. Lesson learned from this? Going to the bathroom after your baby is born will not be comfortable or a fun experince. That is all.

3. They are going to press on your tummy a lot. And it will HURT. After your baby is born, the nurses will basically knead your stomach every few hours in an effort to work everything out and to make sure your uterus is going back to its normal size. It hurts. It was as bad as the contractions, if not worse. Believe me, you will want to punch every nurse that touches your tender and sore stomach. The lesson from this? Don't be caught off guard by how painful this is and please don't punch any nurses, they're just doing their job.

4. Those mesh panties will be your best friend. Forget any underwear you brought with you, the mesh underwear are AMAZING and you will want to wear them for the next couple of days after you leave the hospital. Lesson learned? Don't knock them until you've tried them. They aren't going to be in any Victoria's Secret fashion show anytime soon, but you will forever remember their comfort. Trust me.

5. Tucks pads will be your other best friend. I had to have stitches so my lady bits were not feeling so good. These little life savers were like little bits of Heaven and I could not have survived the first week or so postpartum without them. Lesson learned? Anything you haven't used when you leave...take with you! You will regret not having tucks pads when you get home, I'm so glad I put the leftovers in my bag.

6. Pretty much everything from below your boobs to your lady bits will hurt. My stomach was so sore from being stretched out, pushing a baby out, and then being mashed on. My lady bits were so so sore from....well you know. Pushing a kid out and then have to be stitched back up. Lesson learned? The pain is not over once you leave the hospital.

7. Standing up and going to the bathroom will be an ordeal. It took me a good 5-10 minutes to stand up almost every time. Everything hurt. Going to the bathroom was uncomfortable and then I had to change my pad, tucks pads, and get up off the toilet. I was moving so slowly and my lady bits seriously felt like they were going to fall out if I stood up for too long. The lesson learned? It's okay. Before long you'll be able to move around normally and it's okay to ask for help when you need to stand up.

8. You might have no appetite. For the first two or three days after Liam was born I could barely eat anything. I would get full after a couple of ounces of chicken and a bite or two of vegetables. I couldn't even eat half a bowl of oatmeal. I got full so quickly and even though food would look and smell delicious, I just couldn't eat hardly anything. What lesson did I learn? It was probably from the exhaustion and all the medicine they pumped into me. My appetite soon was back to normal and I could eat a full meal again.

9. You might feel sad and dark for no reason. For a couple of weeks after Liam was born I would randomly cry and just get really sad. I think I was suffering from the"baby blues", but you might suffer from postpartum depression and if you think you are, you need to get help ASAP. My sadness would come and go and sometimes I felt all alone and just sad. It also didn't help my mental status that I was inside the house pretty much all day everyday. Because I was in so much pain, we couldn't go for walks for the first few weeks and I felt like the house walls were closing in on me for a little bit. Lesson learned? GO OUTSIDE! Even if you just take your baby outside and sit in the shade for ten minutes. You need fresh air and Vitamin D. Don't close yourself off just because you can't take your baby out in public yet.

10. All of this will be worth it. I still want to have another baby in a few years. Even after all the blood, excruciating pain, and trouble standing, walking, and even sitting. Yes, because of my stitches even sitting down was extremely painful. All of that gore and pain was temporary, but my son and my love for him is forever. Did I "forget all of the pain"? Heck no! It hurt so bad for a couple of weeks! But would I go through all of it again for Liam? HECK YES! Was it worth it to bring that precious little boy into our lives? HECK YES!

That's my whole point with telling you about all of this pain and gore. Not to scare you, but to let you know that yes it's going to hurt even after your baby is born...but you won't even care because you'll have your baby in your arms. It might hurt to get out of bed and you'll be exhausted, but you'll jump up at the quietest peep from your newborn at 2:00 in the morning. It will hurt to walk, but you'll walk around for ten minutes if it soothes your little one. Why? Because you're a mom now and forever. You're no longer the most important person in your universe. Your entire mindset has changed. All of what you will go through postpartum will make you realize how strong you are and how in love with your child you are.

So if you're pregnant now or hope to be one day, you got this mama. Your little one is worth it all and the pain is temporary. Your child is forever and so much more than worth it all.

XOXO,
Courtney

 Me and Jim with Liam in his nursery right after we got home

 Hanging out with my little man just a couple of days ago

Did she say...formula??

I mentioned formula in my last blog post, and I unfortunately feel the need to explain why I'm not breastfeeding our son. I think it's ridiculous that I feel like anyone is owed an explanation as to why we're feeding him the way we are, but I really want people to understand there's more than one way of feeding newborns. And if this can help any other woman out there who has the same problem as me, then it's worth it.

Mainly women nowadays just assume you're going to nurse your kid, and I totally understand the health benefits that go along with breast milk. It's not that I don't want that bonding time with my son. It's not that I just want my husband to have to help with the feedings more. It's not that I find breastfeeding "weird" or "awkward". I'm not breastfeeding because I can't. I didn't produce hardly anything. I would LOVE to have that bond with my son. Breastfeeding would be SO MUCH simpler and cheaper. But it just didn't work out. 

I tried. In the hospital I got nurses to come in and help try and get Liam to latch. He latched one time and then was still gnawing on his hands after he unlatched about ten minutes later. We talked to the lactation consultant and she gave me tips and different positions to try. I did everything she told me to do and it still wouldn't work. Her advice? He'll latch on and eat when he's hungry. Friday before we were discharged from the hospital I tried to feed him so many times and he just wouldn't latch. When he would latch on it would be for just a few seconds and then he would start to scream. When I would get a nurse to come in and see if she could help me out and make sure I was doing everything right, it was no help. They would just literally (sorry for the mental image here) squish my boob and try to force it into my poor son's screaming mouth. The poor thing probably has PTSD from the whole thing. 

When we left the hospital I felt broken. I couldn't get my son to eat and I could tell he was hungry. He's my son and I could just feel he wasn't happy. They said he would eat when he was hungry but he really hadn't eaten yet and he had been born on Wednesday night. He had to be hungry. He would chew on his hands and scream if we took his pacifier out of his mouth. He was restless. I knew he was hungry. But formula didn't seem to be an option and they didn't even question if I could not be producing enough.

Which was exactly the problem. When we got home we fixed the poor thing a bottle using some formula we had been sent (yay for free things) from Enfamil. That boy sucked that bottle dry in about two minutes. And then do you know what he did? He slept...hard. He wasn't in serious need of his pacifier. He wasn't gnawing on his hands, and he wasn't restless. We continued to feed him on demand until Sunday when my milk came in. Then I tried feeding him myself again, and he just would not latch. I felt broken. I decided to pump what I could every 2-3 hours and then we would just feed him that. So we could kiss the formula good bye, right? Wrong. I produced maybe an ounce a day. From both sides, pumping every 2-3 hours. The most I ever got in those first 5 or 6 weeks was 2 ounces in one day. Then my supply dwindled down to not even a quarter of an ounce. But whatever I pumped we gave him at the end of the day. I was trying everything I knew to try and up my milk supply and nothing worked.

The pressure I felt to breastfeed was tremendous. I felt like I should be ashamed that I was giving him formula. I felt like I wasn't as good of a mom as the women who breastfeed. I felt like I had failed my son. I slipped into my own sort of depression for a few days. I would cry randomly and just feel sad and hopeless.

But then one day I got mad. Not at the fact that I wasn't able to breastfeed, but at the way I was feeling all because of the pressure to feed MY child in a way that my body wasn't allowing me. It wasn't my fault, I tried. And what's so terrible about feeding him formula, anyway? At least he's eating and healthy. 

I have had to realize that a woman's ability or desire to breastfeed does not in any way reflect how good of a mom she is. What determines how good of a mom I am is my willingness to put my son first. And I have done that in making sure he's eating the right formula and ensuring that he's eating enough. What makes me a good mom is my unconditional love for my son, not the way I feed him. 

XOXO,

Courtney

And if you try to take his bottle, he will sock ya!

     

Almost Seven Weeks Old...Already???

Hey there!

I'm really going to try and get back on top of blogging once a week, it's just hard to find the time between feeding Liam, cuddling him, washing bottles, changing diapers, getting peed on, and changing his clothes after he pees on himself...or poops on himself...or spits up on himself. But that's life with a newborn and I honestly love the craziness of it all.

Liam will be SEVEN WEEKS OLD on Wednesday and I honestly cannot believe it. Time seriously needs to slow down a little bit because I feel like at this rate he'll be graduating high school in what will feel like a month. 

Being a mom is honestly a blast, it's exhausting don't get me wrong...but I wouldn't want my life to be going any differently right now. I feel like I was created to be this little boy's mama.

I LOVE hanging out with this gorgeous little man

Jim and I have learned a good bit over the past few weeks but it seems to be that every time we think we're getting the hang of things Liam throws us a curve ball. We get him into what seems to be an eating schedule and then he has a growth spurt and needs more food than before. We figure out where he likes to sleep the best and then BAM he doesn't like his crib anymore and instead prefers his car seat. Yeah, you read that correctly. Our son is currently napping and sleeping at night in his car seat. Why? Because other than being held that is the only place he will sleep longer than about thirty minutes. And if he's comfortable there, than that's where he's sleeping bygolly. 

Baby boy napping away in his new favorite spot

That's one of the main things I have learned about motherhood so far. Just because a book tells me that my son should be eating __ ounces of formula every __ hours, that really doesn't mean squat. If he's hungry, he's hungry and I need to feed him. Jim was better about that than me at first. I wanted Liam to eat EXACTLY how much some doctor writing a book said he should be eating. But now, if he's giving hunger cues and the pacifier won't calm him, we feed him. Why? Because he's hungry and I'm not going to make us all miserable by making him wait that extra thirty minutes until the book says he should be eating again. 

I know my kid better than any random person on a website or in a book. And if he's sleeping somewhere odd, at least he's sleeping. And if he eats every 2 hours instead of 3 sometimes, at least he's eating and healthy. I have had to realize that just like every pregnancy is different, every baby is different and I can't go by a book as to when he should eat and where he should sleep etc. Now we do research things just to get a general idea, but we let Liam and our instincts dictate a lot of what happens now. And Liam is happy and healthy, so I guess we're doing something right.

In fact, Liam's doctor has told us at both of his appointments that he is perfect and if all of his patients were like Liam then his job would be easy. He even said we're doing everything right, which as a first time mom was shocking to hear because I just knew I was failing my son somehow. I guess I'm not as clueless as I feel sometimes when it comes to this whole motherhood thing. 

Jim and Liam at Liam's first doctor's appointment 

Are there times I want to pull my hair out because I have no clue what's going on? Of course! Just last night, Jim and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with baby Liam. He was hungry and crying so I fixed him a bottle. About thirty seconds into the feeding he started screaming as his legs kicked straight out, stiff as a board. I stopped feeding him and tried burping him. This continued for the whole bottle. He would scream a few seconds into feeding him and scream when we stopped. But, he was burping every time we stopped feeding him to burp him, which was about every 30 or 45 seconds. Finally, we decided we would try some gas drops and switching to another kind of formula from the same brand we had a container of that is for fussiness, crying and gas. It didn't really work for that bottle but we did get him to finish it finally and go to sleep. But then after getting a few hours sleep, the next feeding was back to normal. Come to find out, we think the problem was a combination of sleepiness (he had been awake a lot yesterday afternoon/evening), gas and a tummy ache, and hunger.

We have had to realize that trial and error is your best friend. try something and if it works, great. If it doesn't, give something else a shot. When Liam cries it's usually because he's hungry, his diaper is dirty, or he wants to be held and rocked or walked around. So when he gets upset I'll usually check his diaper, try walking around bouncing and shushing him, then see if he's hungry (even if it's not "time" for him to eat yet).

Basically, we have learned to trust our gut and to try and go with the flow. Liam will let us know if he needs something, and we just have to smother him in kisses and smiles in the time between.

XOXO,

Courtney

OH! We dressed Mr. Liam up as Yoda one day...enjoy the adorableness that is to follow

At first he was unsure...                                                He gave Jim a firm talking to...

 He was bored with it all...                                          Got some smooches from his daddy...

He finally resigned himself to the fact that his parents are insane and

he was going to be Yoda for a few moments and to just go with it.