Third trimester discovery

I made a discovery about my body last Friday that I wasn't prepared for. One that served as a devastating blow to my ego and self esteem. A leech that tried to suck the joy out of my pregnancy. Are you ready? I'm warning you, it's bad.

I have stretch marks...on my butt.

It's awfully devastating, I know.

I was in the dressing room at Target trying on dresses for our first baby shower on Sunday. Let me just tell you, the lighting and mirror next to the door that shows you your rump is just NOT flattering..at all. I learned this harsh lesson after I tried on the last dress and was about to put my own clothes back on. I looked in that awful mirror behind me and saw what could only at the time be described as what looked like Harold had taken his infamous purple crayon and drawn HUGE streaks across my entire buttocks. Ugh. How awful! How gross they looked! How my body had betrayed me!

My thought process went something like this: But I'm a personal trainer, I can't have stretch marks! Everybody is going to notice them...everybody! But I do squats, and lunges, and walk 5 or 6 days a week! I didn't even think my butt was growing! And then the doozie of a thought that broke my heart...my husband loves my butt. He's always said it's his favorite body part of mine (sorry for the TMI but that's just life).How in world was I going to break this news to him? His favorite part of my body that was once lifted and toned is now tainted by huge nasty stretch marks. Surely he would find just the image of it disgusting and want nothing to do with me anymore...right?!?

After pouting and sulking around the store for a few minutes I finally decided to text my husband at work and break the news to him. This is our conversation:

Me: So I have stretch marks on my butt :(

Him: I sorry love

Me; You love my butt :( don't find me gross now

Him: Ha I won't I noticed them a while ago, didn't stop me from looking

Seriously?? How great is this man? He noticed that I had stretch marks on my butt and didn't bring them to my attention. He kept checking out his pregnant wife, with her expanding belly and tiger stripes on her behind. Some women might have been upset that their husband didn't break the news to them. It made me fall more in love with him. If he had pointed them out to me it would have told me that he saw them as an issue, that he thought they were a big deal. However, he knew they were there and he didn't even think they were worth mentioning. What a good man.

When I got home I looked in my mirror. And do you know what I saw? Tiny little streaks across my upper butt. That's it. They'll be covered by my bathing suit bottom. They're not huge and disgusting, either. They're a badge of honor that will remind me of what my body had to go through while it carried our son. They're a symbol of the unconditional love that I have for that precious boy. They will remind me of the love my husband has for me, no matter how my body might change as we grow older, he will always love me and always want me. 

I have grown a lot since last Friday in that dressing room. I know that I might get more stretch marks, and that's okay. Do I want more? No, but if more of them creep up I'll be okay. They mean our son is growing and we're getting closer to meeting him. My body won't be the same after he's born, and I can honestly say that I'm okay with that. 

I'm not a model or a movie star that has thousands of dollars to spend on getting her perfect body back a week after her child is born. I'm just a normal young woman who is doing her best to keep what she can of her strength and endurance through her pregnancy. And I'm going to work hard after he's born to make sure I stay as healthy and fit as I can...for him. I'm going to be an active, fun mom who can play in the yard with her son all afternoon. I'm going to lift him up in the air and swing him around until we're both laughing so hard our stomachs hurt. 

That's why I'm going to stay healthy and fit. For him. Not for me or my ego. Not to have the "perfect" body. Because at the end of my life here on Earth I wouldn't regret the abs I didn't have or the flawless stretch mark free skin I didn't have. I would regret the days he played by himself because I was too out of shape to keep up. That's what matters. Our family and the quality time we'll have together.

So the models and movie stars can keep their "perfect" bodies. I just want my son.

XOXO,

Courtney

First and Second Trimesters in Retrospect

It's blowing my mind that I'm in my 27th week of pregnancy. It dawned on me a few days ago that this is the last week of my second trimester, which most women consider to be the most pleasant time of pregnancy. Compared to the first trimester the past couple of months really have been a breeze, with no constant nausea or serious food aversions.

The first trimester for me was probably easy enough that some women would want to punch me in the face for saying I had a hard time. And I know I was extremely blessed in those first three months. I have heard so many horror stories from women who could just smell food in the first trimester and be sent running to the bathroom. I, on the other hand, have yet to throw up this pregnancy. Please don't hit me, I promise I was still miserable in my own way. I was stuck with pretty much constant nausea until I was about 11 or 12 weeks along. There were days that I really wished I could have just thrown up, maybe it would have made me at least feel better. Car rides could be pretty bad too, one trip in particular. It was Thanksgiving Day and we were riding with Jim's parents up to North Carolina to his aunt's house. It was about a 3 hour drive, down back country roads for the last half of the trip or so. I thought I was going to lose it. The bumps were AWFUL and made me feel more nauseated than I ever have before. And to make matters harder, Jim and I were the only ones who knew I was pregnant. We hadn't been to the doctor yet and I wanted to wait until we got it confirmed that our little gummy bear (as we called him before we knew he was a he) was safe and healthy. So since his parents had no clue I was expecting, I just had to lay down in Jim's lap and try to take a nap..try being the key word there. And the exhaustion in the first trimester...oh good grief! I had to take a nap every single day. No matter how much sleep I had gotten the night before, I was constantly tired. Beyond tired. Even the word exhausted doesn't seem to cover how I felt. Oh, and the precious breakout that plagued my chin was just adorable...really, I loved it. Don't get me started on how bloated I was, either...I felt like the whole world could tell I was pregnant already because of how HUGE my stomach was (I hadn't seen anything yet).

But alas, I survived.

Then I got to enter the beloved second trimester. When baby boy started fluttering, then kicking, and now karate chopping my insides. Honestly, that is my favorite part of pregnancy. Getting to feel his little jabs and kicks and feeling them get progressively stronger. With his growth, however, comes a little bit more discomfort for mama. As my second trimester is coming to a close I'm getting more and more uncomfortable and it's hard to find sitting or laying positions that are comfortable for very long. Hip pain is starting to be more of a problem. Coupled with my calves cramping up pretty bad sometimes too. One night in particular I woke up with a STABBING pain in my calf and it was so tight I couldn't move my leg. I was just laying there, half asleep, crying over how bad it hurt. Jim woke up and I told him what was going on so he stretched and rubbed the cramp out of my calf...my sleepy little hero. BUT along with the discomforts come some pretty cool symptoms. Like the fact that my hair and nails are growing like mad! My hair is already long, but good grief it is off the chain right now. And it seems to be fuller too, which I won't complain about. I've also been told I'm "glowing" which is always nice to hear. I've had an increase in energy the past couple of months and don't need a nap every single day, so I'm able to get my workouts in a little easier with the extra energy. The nausea has gone away (thank goodness) and I am so excited that I like peanut butter again! I hadn't been able to even smell it since November without feeling queasy. Somebody mentioned PB&J the other day and I thought, hmm that sounds delicious! So when we got home I tried smelling the peanut butter to see if it still made my stomach turn. IT SMELLED LIKE PEANUT BUTTER AGAIN! So now I  love PB&J, even though jelly used to gross me out and I wanted no part of it. It's so great to have one of my favorite foods back in my life..I feel complete again ;)
 I can definitely see why this is usually a woman's favorite time in pregnancy. 

13 weeks                    27 weeks

I honestly can't believe how fast this is flying by. The first trimester crawled by, I think because I was wanting to get to the 12 week mark, where the risk of miscarriage drops significantly. The second trimester has FLOWN by, though. I feel like we just told everyone I was pregnant. And now I'm about to enter the last 12 weeks of my pregnancy on Monday. I have a feeling the third trimester is going to crawl by like the first. I'm so excited to meet my little man and kiss his face and hold him in my arms. I can't wait to hear that little cry and to know what his little face looks like.

 Good grief I love this kid.   

Every single time I feel him move I am overcome with that feeling. How much I absolutely adore this little person who isn't even finished developing yet. How I will do anything for this person who I have no clue what he looks like, what things he will be interested in, or what his personality will be. Because none of that matters. 

This is MY SON. 

And every time I think about him or feel his little somersaults, I am overcome with tremendous pride and joy that God chose me and Jim to be this little guy's parents. We are beyond blessed and as my belly expands and the discomfort grows, I can't help but to think how blessed I am that I'm carrying our son right now.

Bring it on, third trimester. Baby boy and I are ready for you.

XOXO, 

Courtney

Body Shaming and Pregnancy

Pretty much my whole life I've been thin (except when I was born, I was a chunky monkey...and now, I look like a basketball smuggler). But for about a year, starting the second semester of my senior year of high school into my freshman year of college, I was too thin. If I'm being completely honest, I struggled with disordered eating. I was never diagnosed with anything specific, but my weight dropped to about 79 pounds over that summer and everyone close to me and my doctor were (rightfully) very concerned about it. To them, I contributed it to the fact that I had cut out soda and had picked up an aerobics class at school in addition to playing soccer. But I knew it was something much deeper.

My junior prom to my senior prom. About 115 pounds to about 85 pounds.

It stemmed from all the changes my life was about to go through. I was about to leave my family and my best friend and move to a town where I knew no one, not even my roommate. I felt like there was nothing I could control...except what I ate and what I weighed.  I started out skipping breakfast...then I started skipping lunch too. I would eat one pretty small meal a day plus working out. Then, when I went to college I realized that I could just not eat for a couple of days. The satisfaction that came from being able to turn down food felt like such an accomplishment to me. Going to sleep at night with a flat, empty stomach was like a reward in my mind. Except for the last night after I had starved myself. It was early one Friday morning, about 3:00 and I hadn't had anything to eat in probably four days. I woke up to my heart POUNDING and my ears ringing. I had broken out in a cold sweat and I felt super nauseated, so I got out of my bed to go to the bathroom my roommate and I shared with our two suite mates. I ending up passing out on the floor, and when I came to just a few seconds later, my heart was still pounding and my ears were still ringing. All I could think was that my roommate was going to find me dead. 

I thought about my mom and dad.

I thought about my big brother.

I thought about my best friend.

How it would kill them if I died like this...this young...at my own hands. How could I do this to them? To myself? I had been so selfish, yet so careless with my body. I asked God to save me, to forgive me, and to help me.

The next morning I woke up and for the first time in months...I ate breakfast. Then a few hours later I ate lunch. Then that night I had dinner. To most people that sounds like a normal day, and to me now it is, but for me at the time it was a big deal and a huge accomplishment. 

Now why in the world am I divulging this information to you? Before you read this post did you know this about me? Odds are that's a big NO. Because not even my family knew. Those closest to me had their suspicions, but even they didn't know the full extent and all the details. My point is, you never know a woman's past with her body. If I wasn't so head over heals, crazy, out of my mind in love with my unborn son..some of the comments people make to me about my body could send me into a serious downward spiral back into those old unhealthy habits. 

For example, it is NOT acceptable to say to a pregnant woman:

1. Are you sure you're not having twins? Are you SURE there's only one baby in there? (That's hilarious and original, thank you for that.)
2. I didn't know you were pregnant, I thought you were just getting fat! (This one was actually said to a friend of mine, not me personally.)
3. Wow, when I was ___ weeks pregnant, I wasn't as big as you are! (Well good for you...would you like a trophy or a ribbon?)
4. Any other statement that points out how big ANY part of her body is getting.

Basically, just use common sense when speaking to a pregnant woman. Whether you know her or not, don't say anything to her that you wouldn't say if she wasn't pregnant. I don't understand why people think once a woman is pregnant they get a green light to comment on her weight and body size. You wouldn't DARE say to a non pregnant woman, "Are you sure you only weight that much?" or "Are you sure you don't wear a bigger size?" Questions like that make you an instant jerk and will probably earn you a slap across the face. But the moment she gets pregnant you can make comments on her size and weight and she has to smile and just laugh it off...and if she gets upset it's probably just because she's hormonal.

NO.

She is still a person, with feelings, with an unknown history with that body you're talking about. And the shocking part to me is that most of these comments to me come from other women! 

Who have children of their own! 

What in your mind tells you that it's acceptable, as a woman who has been pregnant and knows the comments some people make...to make those same ignorant comments to another woman? Why do people think it's okay to make judgmental and rude comments about  a pregnant woman's body?

 I don't think I'll ever have the answers to these questions, because I don't think even the people who make these comments know why they do it. 

Bottom line before I end my rant of the day...THINK before you speak. To anyone. Pregnant or not pregnant. THINK. Would you want to hear the same thing? Would you want your wife, daughter, or sister to be told that? If the answer is no, then keep your mouth shut.

 Or how about this, just say congratulations and move on with your day.

XOXO,

Courtney

Exhausted...But PROUD

Let me just start off this post by saying that I am so proud of what my body is doing right now. It is creating and carrying our unborn son, and I think that's pretty darn cool.

Being pregnant is such an amazing experience and I am so glad that God has blessed me with this precious time with my son. I adore feeling his little (but getting stronger and not so little) kicks, jabs, and punches. Every single time I feel him move I can't help but to smile down at that basketball bump under my shirt and smile with tears in my eyes. It's crazy to imagine that in a few short months we'll be able to see those adorable little karate moves and kiss his chubby little cheeks.

I knew some things about pregnancy before, but after getting my own little plus sign on a pee stick I started doing my homework. I try to not read too many pregnancy books and websites because every pregnancy is different, but at the same time I want to be informed and know exactly what is going on with my body and why. I want to know how he's growing from day to day and week to week. I want to know what organs he has developed and whether he can hear my voice yet. I honestly celebrate every milestone he reaches because I know that means he's getting closer to meeting his dad and I. And with every milestone he reaches, and the bigger he gets, the harder things get on his mama. Walking my 3 miles has gotten more strenuous and just taking the trash out makes me out of breath. It's hard to get a restful night's sleep with hip pain that wakes me up every hour or so...and then I realize I, of course, have to pee. 

Everything's just getting a little bit harder and more uncomfortable.

Even though I'm not able to run right now, or even walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath, I am so proud of my body. I think every woman who is pregnant or has a child should be proud of her body. I mean, men can't do this so we are OBVIOUSLY the superior gender, right?! ;)

But seriously, God is creating my son inside of me as I type this...how crazy is that? Sometimes earlier in my pregnancy I struggled with the weight gain and losing the tone in my stomach. But then I started feeling the movement of that little nugget and I knew it would all be worth it once I see his face. If I never get my abs back...who cares? If I can't run as fast post pregnancy...it really doesn't matter. If I don't win my age group at half marathons anymore...at least I'll have my son at the finish line...and that makes me the real winner in my eyes.

My point is, even if my body can't do post pregnancy what it athletically could before, I think I'll be just fine. My body has already "proven itself" to me. I've got medals on the wall from races run, and even better I'll have our son. And honestly, I know that this pregnancy and our little prize we take home afterwards will be what I'm most proud of. Forget the abs, forget the age group awards, forget the finish lines, My body is AMAZING and I am so proud and so honored to be carrying this little guy.

XOXO

Courtney