I'm not ready

I say this a lot, but I'm not ready.

I'm not ready for Liam to be as tall as he is, he is now entirely flat footed as he shuffles around the house in his walker. 

I'm not ready for him to be able to hold his bottle on his own.

I'm not ready for him to able to put his pacifier back in his mouth without my help.

I'm not ready for him to sit up on his own.

I'm not ready for him to be eating solid food.

Honestly, I'm just generally struggling with my boy growing up so quickly. I knew that my parents always told me that time flies and my brother and I grew up in the blink of an eye, but now that I'm a mom all of those cliches have taken on a whole new meaning.

This really hit me last night. Let's set up the scene: My oldest nephew is spending a couple of nights with my parents because his younger brother is sick. Liam and I spent the night there last night as well since Jim was at work and my parents are keeping Liam while I'm at work this week and they live super close to the gym I work at.

So it's time for nephew to go to sleep and he decides he wants me to lay down with him, which is a first...normally it's Grandma, so I was ecstatic. As I lay next to him, staring at his head full of freshly washed blonde hair, I found myself getting emotional. I thought about the first time I held him three years ago. He was so tiny, but so heavy with the weight of potential and dreams yet to be lived out. I had never held a newborn baby before, I was always afraid I would break them or something. But that day I held him for so long and didn't want to let him go. I'm still struggling with letting him go. He's at the age of dodging pictures and rubbing off kisses, and you have to catch him if you want a hug usually. It's hard to believe that he's so big now. So tall. So smart. So full of big questions and funny comments. I feel like he shouldn't be so big already. 

I think about how fast he has grown up and it makes me want to tape my eyes open so I don't blink and miss Liam growing. Every time he does something new, I am first overcome with pride and joy that he's learning new things. But then the sadness hits me like a ton of bricks. The first time he got his pacifier back in his own mouth was specifically tough. It popped out of his mouth and when I reached to put it back in, he did it himself and looked at me as if to say "don't worry, mom, I got it". And I know I'll be hearing that for the rest of my life from him.

But I'm still not ready.

From what I can tell from these last five months, being a mom is all about being pulled in different directions. Not being able to wait until your kid can do things for himself, but then crying when he does. Begging him to just talk already, and then when he starts talking you pray for just a moment of silence. Counting down the days until he can spend the night at someone else's house so you can get a full night's sleep and then waking up every hour wondering how he's doing and missing him. Needing to balance being a good mom, while not forgetting your husband. 

I feel like this is nothing new, though, and for all you moms out there you probably know exactly what I'm talking about. I know I haven't come across anything revolutionary or mind blowing. This is all just so new for me. I have never wanted someone to become more independent, and stay dependent on me at the same time. I want him to still need me. And I know he will need me for a while longer, I just know this time is going to keep flying by.

So for all of you newer than me moms, moms to be, and women who hope to be moms one day...embrace every moment with your little one. I TRY, key word there is try, to enjoy even when Liam is being clingy and not wanting me to lay him down because I know it's not going to last forever. No, our house isn't spotless and there's usually laundry or dishes that need to be done, but if he wants cuddles I'm going to cuddle him while he still lets me.

XOXO,

Courtney

Tips for a Healthy Holiday

Christmas is just a few days away (YAY!) so I thought it might be a good idea if I shared some of my tips on keeping yourself from overeating or overindulging on Holiday goodies during this busy and celebration packed week.

1. EAT BREAKFAST-Now I don't mean Cocoa Puffs or Pop Tarts here...I mean a breakfast with high protein, healthy fats, and carbs to keep you full. You might think that just skipping breakfast would mean that you save calories, right? Well not really, because you'll be ravenous by lunchtime and then you'll probably overeat. On Thanksgiving I started out my day with my normal nutrient packed Shakeology and I plan to do the same all week long this week. We literally have family gatherings of some sort every day this week except today and Wednesday when Jim is at work, so it would be so easy to fall off track and gorge myself all week. But, starting off my day with a healthy, satisfying breakfast will help me stay on track.

2. Start off your day with exercise. If at all possible, try to get some sort of workout in before any family gathering where you'll be surrounded by all sorts of food. It starts your day off on a healthy note and gets your body moving and burning calories first thing. Even if it's "just" a walk around your neighborhood, get moving! I know you might have cooking and baking to do, but take a few minutes and move your body with some light cardio or body weight exercises like squats and pushups.

3. Eat your favorites. A few years ago I made the realization that I could save hundreds of calories if I stuck to simply eating my favorite things and cutting out the "meh, I'll eat some since it's here" foods. This is especially true for desserts. Skip the store bought mini candy bars and cookies and stick to a slice of your favorite homemade dessert your aunt or grandma makes.

4. Don't deprive yourself. Portion control is HUGE this time of the year. Want some macaroni and cheese? Mashed potatoes? Chocolate fudge? Cheesecake? Go for it! But before you go grab the whole dish and a fork, remember moderation is key! Try to balance out the not so good for you foods with fruits and veggies. Try to just get one (reasonably sized) spoonful of mac and cheese. Add some of those forgotten about green beans and fresh fruit if they're there. And if nobody is planning on bringing healthy options, you bring a couple! And if there's leftovers because you're the only one that ate any, great! That means there will be plenty for you to take home with you ;)

5. Make something festive and cute, but healthy. Pinterest is FULL of cute little desserts and finger foods that are made using foods that are good for you, especially fruit. One adorable such creation I saw at my father in law's Christmas party at his fire station Friday night. Somebody used grapes, bananas, strawberries, and mini marshmallows on kabob sticks to make adorable fruit Santas! So easy and adorable!

6. Moderation is still key. I honestly cannot stress this enough. Even at Christmas celebrations I try to stick to my 80/20 rule. If you look at my plate, it is usually 80% lean meat and fruits and veggies and 20% not so good for me stuff like dressing or my mom's lactose free mac and cheese (which is banging like a biscuit, by the way). So again, you can still eat some of all your favorite "bad things" but just try to balance it out with healthier choices.

7. WATER! Drink tons of water throughout the day. If you're thirsty you might mistake it for hunger. Also, if you're loading your body full of sweet tea and eggnog, that's just liquid calories that you could be using on yummy food ;)

8. Eat healthy when you can. When you aren't at a family gathering, try to make good food choices. Instead of grabbing a burger and fries on the road while you're traveling, try to go with a turkey breast sub sandwich and some baked chips or fruit. I know that doesn't sound as exciting, but that way you can save some of your calories for homemade dishes! I don't know about you, but I think homemade mac and cheese is much better than a drive thru hamburger.

9. Eat slowly. Try not to gobble down your food, I know it will all be delicious, but try to pace yourself. If you eat too quickly, your stomach won't have time to register that you're full, and you'll think you're still hungry and go grab more food. Then, you'll be too full and possibly miserable.

10. Focus on what matters the most. Instead of grazing all day long, try to really focus on spending time in conversations with your loved ones. Stop thinking about food and what's in the kitchen and focus on those around you and enjoying their company.

This. This is what matters during the Christmas season. Not all the food, not the presents, not plans going absolutely perfectly. 

Family and friends and adorable babies dressed up as Rudolph are what are most important.

XOXO and Merry Christmas,

Courtney

4 month updates!

I feel like I say this way too much-like every month-but I can't believe Liam is 4 months old already! 

This month brought several milestones that are so fun to watch, but I'm still struggling with my baby boy growing so fast! He's now a pro at rolling over, he loves flipping and flopping and he's now moved on to performing a Superman type move when he's on his tummy and trying to crawl. His back has got to be so strong now ;) He's now laughing out loud, which is my all time favorite sound and melts my heart every time. He can hold his bottle on his own (if he wants to, if not, you have to do it for him). He's also very fluent in gibberish and will look you straight in the eyes and coo and move his mouth like he is telling you some grand story, and I act like I understand exactly what he is saying. Sometimes strangers look at me like I'm crazy when I talk back to him and carry on "conversations" with my 4 month old, but I could honestly not care any less. How could I expect him to ever talk if I don't talk to him like a grown up?

Liam already is under the impression that he is a big boy. He tries to steal people's coffee and he grabs food off your plate if you're not paying attention.Thanksgiving Day I sat down to eat lunch with him in my lap and he instantly grabbed my roll and started licking it.

He also likes to try and drink out of water bottles and sippy cups, like I said, he thinks he's grown. He likes to sit in his walker and watch what we're doing if we're in the kitchen. He loves his door jumper too, he just spins in it right now, but I'm sure he'll but jumping in no time! He prefers to be sitting or standing when he's awake usually. He has to be in the right mood to lay down and there have to be toys for him to be entertained by, or he thinks you're trying to put him to sleep and he wants no part of it.

We went to the doctor for his four month check up on Wednesday and he had to get two shots :( 

He was a trooper yet again, though. He now weighs 16 lbs 1 oz (3 pounds gained since he was 2 months old) and he's 26 inches long (he grew 3 inches since his 2 month appointment). He's in the 75th percentile and he's following his curve perfectly, they said he's looking great and healthy! We get to start him on rice cereal and then move into stage one baby foods now, too. It is so exciting and we know Liam is going to love eating "real" food since he's already trying to steal off our plates. Jim has been at work since Wednesday so we plan on giving him some rice cereal tonight before his bottle and I can't wait!

Pre-shots, hanging out and terrorizing the table paper 

Now an update on my fitness! I'm now able to run 4.5 miles straight! We ran our first 5k as a family of three on November 14th and we were able to run the whole race without any walk breaks. 

When I wasn't sore at all the next day so I knew I could stick with running the whole distance. I feel like I'm finally getting back to where I was prepregnancy with my strength and endurance, which is a great feeling. I run three days a week and the other three days I do Beachbody workouts, like Hip Hops Abs or T25 cardio and I try to do some strength training on those days too. Variety is key and I'm trying to make sure I don't get bored!

This life I'm living is crazy. It's smelly. It's loud. But it is absolutely wonderful. I wouldn't want to change a single thing about the way my life is right now. Jim and I don't get to have romantic date nights every weekend, but that is perfectly fine with us. We're a family of three now, and our date nights usually include trying to catch up on Chicago Fire and our other TV shows while playing with Liam or feeding him a bottle. We do, however, have a date coming up in two weeks...STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS!! I never thought I would be excited to see such a movie...but I am not ashamed of this nerdness ;)

Our life is now focused on our sweet, crazy, loud, sometimes smelly, smiling, and weird (see picture below) little boy.

This life is beautiful and I am so thankful. I honestly don't know what consumed my time before our son was born, and honestly I'm so grateful to have my little snuggle buddy to take care of now. Being his mom is my greatest accomplishment in this life and I thank God every single day for giving him to us.

XOXO,

Courtney

 Thanksgiving with my best buddy and my AMAZING Maw Maw

 This face looks mischievous...

His hands are his new favorite teething accessory :)

My Journey to Liam

One year ago today at about 5 am my life changed. My world grew bigger. My heart exploded with excitement. My eyes filled with tears. I took a home pregnancy test and finally got the positive that we had been praying for.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

I think it's time I talk about our journey to our son. This blog will consist of period talk and maybe some awkward moments, but I'm discussing how I got pregnant, so it should be expected ;)

We decided to start trying to get pregnant in early spring 2014. I stopped taking my birth control and at the end of the month my period didn't come back. I called my doctor and she said to give it 90 days, sometimes after you go off the pill it can take your body a few months to get everything working on its own again. So I waited. For three long, period-less months. I called my doctor again and they prescribed me a hormone pill that I took for seven days to try and jump start my cycle. After the seventh day I waited 14 more long days. No period. I called my doctor and told her. They had me come in and get what the nurse described as the pill I had just taken in a shot form in my hip. I got the shot on Tuesday and my cycle started the next Monday.

I cried when it came back. This journey had me shed a good number of tears. 

I had two normal periods, then in November it didn't come back again. I was SO EXCITED!! So I took a home pregnancy test first thing in the morning the day after my cycle was supposed to start. One of those digital, expensive ones that can tell you that you're pregnant "up to six days before your missed period". 

Negative. 

WHAT? 

It made no sense. My running pace had slowed way down for no apparent reason, I just couldn't run any faster than about a 9 minute mile. I had woken up so nauseous I had to cancel my training clients one day about a week before. I have never been so nauseated, I would get dizzy if I stood up and I couldn't stomach anything solid. But I had no fever and I never threw up. I had started to really think those were pregnancy symptoms!

Great, I thought, my period just stopped again. There is something wrong with me and I'm infertile because of what I did to my body when I was battling my disordered eating. When I lost all of that weight so quickly, I didn't have a period for almost two years. 

I tried not to get discouraged and took another one first thing the next morning. This time I picked up a couple of cheaper ones instead of the fancy ones.

Negative.

I started looking into adoption. 

We wanted to start a family and I was willing to do whatever we had to in order to have a child. If my body couldn't do it, we would adopt.

The next Monday was Jim's birthday so we went out to dinner together that night to celebrate. After dinner I told Jim that I had been looking into adoption and he said he had been too. I told him that I was going to call my doctor the next day and tell her that my period had gone away again but I wasn't pregnant and to ask what we needed to do next. Jim told me to take one more test first thing the next morning, just to be sure. I agreed but knew that it would just be another heartbreaking no.

I woke up the next morning at 5 so that we could get a run in before we both had to be at work at 8. I shuffled into the bathroom, preparing for another gut wrenching moment with a stick I had just peed on.

It didn't even take the full two minutes to get that cheap, drugstore brand test to pop up with a thick, bold positive sign. 

WHAT?! Is this a dream? This can't be real! I instantly broke down into sobbing, and opened the bathroom door. 

I had planned a super cute way to tell Jim he was going to be a dad. It involved a pretty sweet Avengers toy and video taping the reveal. I like the way he found out even better, actually.

He was still in bed, but when I opened the bathroom door crying it woke him up and he asked me what was wrong.

"Absolutely nothing...(sob. sob. sob)"

"You're pregnant, aren't you?"

"Yes...(sob. sob. sob)"

I then went over to him and hugged him as he still laid in the bed, I thanked God over and over again and just cried and cried. Then do you know what my always practical husband said to me?

"Oh, get that thing off my pillow, you just peed on that!"

Gotta love that man. We then broke in hilarious laughter and just stared at the test in disbelief. I called my doctor while I was at work and set up my first appointment for exactly one month later. I took another test after work just to be sure. I went to the store and got more of the expensive digital ones and it was positive too, so I knew it wasn't just a dream.

Things have changed so much since that day. Now I have stretch marks, my skin is more stretched out, I can only run three miles, and I have a son that is worth it all and so much more. I wouldn't want to have stretch mark free skin anymore, I'm a mom and those marks remind me of what I went through for my son. This past year has been the best year of my life and I can't wait to see what amazing things Liam leads us to in the years to come.

XOXO,

Courtney

I am "that mom"

I am a walking new mom stereotype.

I am "that mom".

I am that mom who is constantly uploading pictures of my baby onto my social media sites. Why? Because my kid is cute and I'm proud to be his mom. Because I have tons of family and friends who live all over the place and don't get to see him much. Because it's my page to post about my life and right now my life is my son. If someone finds my posts annoying they can always unfollow me. But who could find baby pictures annoying?

I am that mom who is borderline obsessed with what milestones my son should be reaching by what age. I am almost daily looking up what teeth should be coming through and when, when he should be rolling over, when he should be laughing/talking, what age he should start to crawl etc. It's so ridiculous because most of those milestones I have little to no impact on when he will reach them. I want to make sure he'son track, though. I want to be sure that we are doing everything we possibly can to make sure that he is growing and developing how he "should be". I'm told this is normal for first time moms especially, but I'm just trying to not compare him to other babies. He will do all of those things when he's ready.

I am that mom that gets spit up on or peed on and doesn't worry about changing her clothes. Why? Because it's bound to just happen again anyway. And honestly, I mean who do I have to impress? My husband compliments me even when I look like a complete hot mess, which leads me to my next point...

I am that mom who has her hair pulled back in a hot mess ponytail 90% of the time. Why? Because my son loves to pull on my hair and he has the grip of a grown man. Because even when it's pulled back he's able to rip strands out of the ponytail holder and after twenty times or so I get tired of fixing it, so it just stays a hot mess.

I am that mom who gets frustrated. Why? Because I am clueless and my son and I speak two different languages. I speak English and he speaks "scream your head off frantically while still somehow looking adorable". That's the thing, too. He can be screaming his head off at me for no reason that I can find and he is still so stinking cute I can't even deal with it. But sometimes I find myself getting frustrated. I'm his mom, just my presence should make him stop crying...shouldn't it? My voice should instantly calm him every time...shouldn't it? I should know just from his cry exactly what is wrong and be able to fix it instantly...shouldn't I?
I am having to realize that I'm no supermom.
I can't just speak and calm my baby. I have to check his diaper, cuddle him, lay him down and see if he wants to play, see if he's hungry, and then see if maybe his teething gums hurt. Process of elimination is key with us.

I am that mom who thinks she's failing at being a mom. There, I said it. There are times that I feel like I'm going to seriously screw my kid up in some way. It is basically the blind leading the blind, after all. I'm constantly reading an article about how something that I'm doing is deemed "wrong". And that gets to me. I'm doing the best that I can, and I love my son more than I ever thought possible, but it's hard to not get down on yourself. I literally have no clue what I am doing in this whole motherhood thing. Being a mom is the most amazing thing, but it is very overwhelming at times. Jim and I are responsible for this tiny human. We are responsible for making sure that he develops into a strong, God loving man (who loves his mama). Some days the only thing I know to do is pray. Pray that he turns out okay, despite his parents being completely clueless. Pray that he finds his life's passion and pray that he finds love one day. Pray that he will treat his wife with love and respect. Pray that he is as good of a father as his dad. Pray that despite all of our shortcomings, he turns out just fine.

Honestly, that is probably the best thing we can do for him. God gave him to us, after all. So it only makes sense that we give him to God to protect and to guide us through his whole parenting journey. Because I'm finding that is exactly what parenthood is...a sometimes smelly, occasionally frustrating, often comical, always beautiful, and amazingly wonderful journey.

XOXO,
Courtney

Baby must haves!

I've only been a mom for about 3.5 months now, but I've already noticed some products that we seriously couldn't go a day without. Liam definitely has a budding personality and he has let us know pretty strongly what he likes and what he's not a fan of.

MUST HAVES:
1. Wubbanub-the boy loves these things! He actually has two, a penguin that stays in his diaper bag and a giraffe that stays at home. We registered for both because Jim said we didn't know if Liam would like one better than the other. And it ended up being a great idea, we never have to really worry about leaving it at home or misplacing one because he's got a backup just in case.

 
2. Ergo Baby Carrier-I love this thing and thankfully Liam does too. I've used it for walking around the mall, going to Costco, and even walking to high school football games. I've even worn him around the house while I cleaned up and did laundry! It's kind of difficult to put on by myself because of the upper back clip, but it can be done. Thankfully Jim realized (on the day I was scheduled to be induced) that we need the infant insert until Liam's about 4 months old. It helps to keep him more stable. I love the fact that the carrier will transition with him until he's 45 pounds!

3. Baby Einstein Nautical Friends Play Gym-Liam will lay on this thing for hours! He's even been known to fall asleep on it if he's tired himself out playing. He loves the mirror and giving himself the stink eye in it. He loves all the hanging down toys and he will yell at them and punch them around, which is pretty entertaining for us as well!

4. Hoodie-this is not brand specific or style specific. The boy loves hoods! He's not always a fan of hats, and since he doesn't have too much hair yet and it's getting colder outside, he needs something on that noggin and baby hoodies do the trick!

5. LOTS of bibs and burp cloths-We should have registered for burp cloths. We did not. Thankfully we were given a good number anyways, because we can go through several in one day depending on if Mr. Liam holds in burps. He likes to burp on his own terms and then when he does burp, sometimes an hour after he eats, it can make a mess! He currently has two teeth trying to come through, so bibs are being soaked through on the regular as well. Thankfully he has tons of adorable ones!
6. Gowns-He isn't always a huge fan of his feet being trapped in them, but once his feet are free he is so content. And we love the ease gowns bring to night time diaper changes. No buttons, no snaps, no trying to get his constantly kicking feet back into footie pajamas.

The main thing I have learned so far is that every baby is different, and just because it's on another mom's "must have" list, it doesn't mean your baby will need it or even like it. For instance, we can't use pee pee tee pees. Liam just kicks them off and pees everywhere anyway. A washcloth works just as good, actually it works better. And we didn't even register for a wipes warmer, I decided it would just complicate diaper changes outside of the house when we had to use room temperature wipes.

So, moms to be, take these product recommendations with a grain of salt, because who knows what your baby will like! I just thought these products were worthy of a shoutout!

XOXO,
Courtney

Life with our three month old

Liam turned three months old last Thursday and I know I sound like a broken record, but I just can't believe it! I feel like he grows and changes overnight...every night. He is getting stronger and sassier with every passing day, and it's so fun to watch him learn new things. 

Over the past month his personality has just exploded and I love it! He is such a fun little guy and he loves to smile, laugh and talk. The boy is trying so hard to talk and he will gabber nonsense at you for as long as you'll talk to him. He has started to laugh/squeak and it is my favorite little sound in the world. I don't have to work very hard for his gummy grins anymore, either. I walk into the room and say anything to him and he breaks out in the biggest grin...and my heart melts. He really smiles with his whole body, too. He'll usually either draw his legs up or stick them straight out and bring his hands together and raise his shoulders when he grins or laughs.

He's also now rolling over from his tummy to his back like a pro. He's trying to get the rollover from his back to his tummy, but it's taking more time. He's got the roll from his back onto his side, but he hasn't quite figured out how to keep going onto his stomach. It's alright, he'll get there soon enough I'm sure. His legs are NEVER still when he's awake, either. I've told Jim that once Liam is mobile, we're in trouble because he is never going to sit still. 

He has started really interacting and playing with his toys, which is so fun. He will grab a toy laying near him if he wants it and hold onto it, lick it, bite it, etc. Then when he's done with it, he throws it. He still loves ceiling fans and anything bright. He will stare at the TV for hours, no matter what is on. Any toy that plays music and lights up is a guaranteed hit as well. 

 Watching Chicago PD with daddy (aka his twin).

He also (thankfully) loves his Ergo carrier. My parents and I took him to his first high school football game Friday night and he did amazing! He fell asleep on the walk to the stadium from our house in the carrier and when he woke up, he was slightly confused as to where we were, but he didn't cry or whine. Football was less than interesting to him, but the band? Holy cow he loved the band! I guess he's going to be a band nerd like his mama and daddy.

Football game cuddles!

For Halloween he dressed up as Yoda, which let me tell you, was just the cutest thing ever! Mini light saber and all. Jim's mom made his costume and it was perfect! He didn't even mind the Yoda ears, he is so chill it blows my mind sometimes.

Now how is Liam's mama doing? I'm feeling great! This morning on my run/walk and I was feeling really good so two of my normal four minute run intervals turned into ten minutes and it felt amazing! I'm up to about 3.5 miles on the days I hit the pavement and it feels so good! I'm only about three pounds away from my pre pregnancy weight AND a non scale related fitness accomplishment from this week...I FIT INTO MY SKINNY JEANS AGAIN. Comfortably, too. It took some courage to try them back on, but when I pulled them up and they buttoned, without making me uncomfortable, I felt like crying. I tell you, the biggest victories in this journey of getting my body back in shape aren't happening on the scale. 

They're happening in my mind, my wardrobe, and my workouts.

XOXO,

Courtney

An Open Letter To My Husband

Dear Husband,

It's only been about two and a half years since we said our wedding vows, but we have been through so much together since then. I have fallen even more in love with you and I didn't think that was even possible on May 25, 2013. Lately, though, I feel like you have been neglected and I'm so sorry. I know that our focus needs to be on Liam. He needs us for everything, after all. But I feel like I haven't been paying you as much attention as I should.

This past weekend we went to Atlanta to see Taylor Swift together, just the two of us. I missed our baby boy more than I thought I could in a 24 hour period, but I really enjoyed our time together. It made me realize that I have been neglecting our relationship lately. I know that our relationship has to change some now that we're parents, but there are some things that I don't want to change. Let's never stop holding hands or giving each other hello and good bye kisses and I love yous. Let's never stop laughing together, and let's try to not get so frustrated with each other when we can't get Liam to calm down. I think we're doing a great job in raising him, but let's not sacrifice our relationship in the process.

We need to remember that without our love, there would be no Liam.

And I need to clear something up for you. The other day you were trying to help me out by putting my laundry away and I got frustrated when you said my dresser drawers were too full and you didn't know where anything would fit. I need to explain why I got upset.

I know I need to clean out my clothes. But I also know what that entails. Cleaning out all of those clothes means trying on all of those cute prepregnancy outfits. Those cute workout clothes that I'm not sure will fit me again. And even if they do fit me, I'm not sure I want to see what I look like in them now. My body has changed since I last wore the majority of those clothes. I'm getting close to my prepregnancy weight, only about 4 pounds to go, but my body is just different now. I have looser skin in my tummy area. I have stretch marks.

I'm in such a good place with my body image right now, though. I feel strong, healthy, and happy. I'm terrified that if I try some of those old clothes on and they don't fit, or I look "bad" in them, I might slip back into some of my old unhealthy eating habits. I know I need to try on my old clothes, I'm just not ready yet. So please just bear with me. I'll get to it, I promise. I'm not just being lazy, I'm terrified to put those clothes on. I'm terrified of what I'll see looking back at me in the mirror when I put those clothes from a year ago back on.

I have been working so hard these past three months, working out and eating healthy, to try and get my body back into a shape I recognize. I'm finally getting to a place where I feel like I look pretty close to "prepregnancy me", plus slightly wider hips and some stretch marks/tiger stripes here and there.

So please just try to understand, patient husband, that I'm not just being grumpy or rude sometimes. I'm struggling with getting my body back into something I'm proud of and happy with. So if I seem to be snippy with you, just know that it's not you I'm frustrated with, it's more than likely what I see looking back at me in the mirror or the number on the scale or some article of clothing I wanted to wear but that doesn't fit quite the same anymore.

I love you, husband, thank you for still finding me beautiful, even when I was 40 pounds heavier with cankles and an irritated attitude. I know you still think I'm beautiful now, I just need to believe it myself.

I love you to the moon and back fifty million times,
Courtney

Stronger than ever

It's been 12 weeks since we welcomed Mr. Liam into our lives.

He is growing like a weed and getting stronger everyday. It's amazing to me just how quickly he is developing and growing. I sat him up in his Bumbo chair on the couch for the first time yesterday and it made me a little sad. I don't think he should be big enough to sit in his own chair yet...but apparently he is! He loves to sit up "like a big boy" and lay on his own and play with his toys. Until he's tired that is, then he wants to snuggle...which is perfectly fine with me!

Watching Paw Patrol (his favorite show) with Pop

Just chilling in his own chair (don't worry, I never left his side)

As he gets stronger, his mama is working on getting stronger too. I've started incorporating run/walks back into my exercise routine this week and so far I'm feeling great! Monday morning I did about 2.5 miles with 2 minute run/walk intervals and yesterday I did 3 miles with the same intervals. Tuesday and today I've done Beachbody workouts to make sure I'm keeping some variety in my workouts. 

Getting back in shape after having a baby is hard work. 

From an athletic standpoint I'm the slowest I've been in years. 

I'm weaker than I used to be. 

I can't run as far as I used to be able to.

But at the same time, I feel so strong. I am in better shape than I was a few months ago, that's for sure. But more than that, I feel strong because of what my body has done over the past year. My body was the home for our son for 41 weeks and 2 days. I then endured two days in the hospital in labor trying to bring him into the outside world. Then I pushed an eight pound human out of a hole the size of a bagel. Yeah, I seriously just typed that. I then endured weeks of pain and discomfort as my body recovered from the whole ordeal.

I AM STRONG.

God used my body to create a perfect, precious, gorgeous baby boy and then He gave me the strength to deliver him. I know that all of that determination came from someone far greater than me, and I am thankful everyday that He got us through the pregnancy and labor and delivery safely. 

I know that my body can't athletically do what it could before. But I'm okay with that. Even if I'm never as fast as I was before, my body has done something so remarkable and I am so proud of what it has accomplished. I might not be able to run a half marathon in 1 hour and 39 minutes, but I can run/walk three miles while pushing a baby stroller. To me, that is just fine.

 And now I have the most adorable workout partner I have ever seen, which makes working out that much more enjoyable. Before our run yesterday, he had to warm up his legs when he got in his stroller, he seriously was pumping them like he had to get ready to run while I was warming up. 

All ready to run with his Nike booties!

I thought before Liam was born that I would be okay with being slower and not in the best shape of my life after he was born. But I had no idea just how okay with it I would be. He is so much more important and special to me than any race, run, or workout ever could be.

XOXO,

Courtney

11 Weeks Old Today

My little man is ELEVEN weeks old today?!? 

When did that happen, seriously? I cannot believe that eleven weeks ago I was in the hospital, surrounded by loved ones, trying so hard to bring that gorgeous little one into the outside world. 

Even though it's been almost three months since I was carrying him in my tummy, I still find myself talking to him when I'm by myself. I got so used to talking to Liam when I was driving, walking around at work, and just randomly through my day. I would narrate what was going on and tell him "Come, Liam" when I would get out of my car. I still find myself doing that and I have to catch myself and remember...wait, he's not here right now. And then I feel sad because he's not always with me anymore. For 40 weeks he was ALWAYS with me. He was my little partner in crime. He was always there, listening to the beat of my heart. The last few months of my pregnancy I could feel every time he moved. I knew when he had the hiccups and I could tell they bothered him because he would start kicking and trying to get away from them. When a song came on the radio that he really liked, I knew it by the way he would bounce around. When he recognized someone's voice, he let me know by kicking at them. 

Now I get to see all those jabs and kicks and hear his adorable coos. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE seeing him, holding him, talking to him, and seeing that gorgeous gummy grin. But now I have to share him. He's no longer just mine to hold. But I think the hardest thing is that I miss him so much when I'm away from him. When I was pregnant with him, he was always with me. Everywhere I went, Liam was with me. And now, I have to leave him everyday to go to work and it kills me every single time. 

And he is growing so fast it almost hurts me. He's holding his head up better and better everyday. He smiles every time I walk into the room. He's starting to laugh out loud. He's starting to sit up from a leaned back position, and he doesn't like to just lay down..he wants to sit up like a big boy. It makes me so proud to watch him grow, but it makes me sad too.

Part of me is such a proud mama and I post SO MANY pictures and videos of him every time he starts to do something new (sorry if you follow me on social media, I can't help myself). I am so proud of that boy and how strong and smart he is already. But on the other hand, watching him grow so fast almost breaks my heart. I look back at pictures of him when he was first born and he was so tiny looking! He was so small and helpless, and he needed me for everything. I can't help but to think about how soon he won't need me for as much. And that makes me sad. He has started trying to hold his own bottle and that kills me. He's still supposed to need his mama for everything, right?? 

It really is a constant battle inside of my heart and mind between swelling with pride and breaking with sadness. I don't know how I feel about him growing up so quickly. We're so blessed to have a happy and healthy baby boy that's growing and developing normally, and I know that. But I still want him to be my little baby forever.

 But I guess even when he's older and has a family of his own, he'll still be my baby, right? 

So my message to all you moms to be is to enjoy every single second of your pregnancy. Even when you're nauseous and your feet and hands are so swollen that you don't even recognize them...wait, you can't see your feet anymore, never mind. Even when your back hurts and you're out of breath from just standing up. Sit back and feel your little one kicking your rib cage, because he/she won't be in your tummy forever. To all you newer than me mamas, enjoy holding your tiny baby because he/she will be wanting to sit up and move around before you know it. Time is going to fly by faster than you knew it could, so enjoy every second with your little one, even if he/she is screaming and you don't know why. Just hold that baby close and surround him/her with love and comfort. Because all too soon that tiny baby will be all grown up.

Oh yeah, all of this sadness at babies growing up so fast is currently being made worse by that fact that my oldest nephew turns THREE next Tuesday. We bought his birthday present last night and I got very upset at having to buy that boy 3T clothes. I just kept saying that there is no way he is that big and I don't like buying him that size. Jim had to tell me numerous times that Ray is growing, like kids do and it will be okay.

 I'm just an emotional mess right now with these boys growing up so fast, stupid hormones.

XOXO, 

Courtney  

This is how Liam hangs out while I exercise. 

He laughs at me dancing to Hips Hop Abs, I guess me dancing is funny ;)

Mr. Liam was sitting up and then got excited and fell over. 

Poor thing looks like a tiny drunk adult.

Postpartum Fitness-Week 10

It feels so amazing to be working out again! Let me tell you what though, I thought I was "easing back into it" properly...I was highly mistaken and my knees let me know it loud and clear.

When I got cleared for exercise at my 6 week postpartum doctor's appointment, it was so exciting!

   

Two weeks postpartum to six weeks postpartum

 My doctor told me to make sure I eased back into things and I said "Of course I will!" with a huge smile on my face. I went home that afternoon and did my first workout in 6 weeks, Cize Crazy 8's with Shaun T on my Beachbody on Demand. It was AMAZING! I sweat, I was out of breath, and I felt like I had worked my body in a way that I hadn't in almost a year. 

The next day I took Liam out for a run/walk. I did 2 minute intervals of running and walking for 4.5 miles and it felt awesome! That was on Thursday and I finished out the week with another run/walk and another Beachbody workout. The following Monday Jim and I took Liam out for a 5 mile run/walk. I started out feeling good, possibly too good. I got overconfident and pounded the pavement too hard, and probably ran a little faster than I should have. By the end of the run I was complaining of knee pain, but I thought it would stop after the workout was over. WRONG. The pain got worse everyday for about a week, and in the mornings my knees were so stiff and hurt so bad it would bring tears to my eyes if I moved wrong.

 I was devastated. I was frustrated. I was scared. I was annoyed with myself. 

"I've really hurt myself, I have permanently damaged my knees," I thought.

I decided to just lay off my legs...forget low impact, even that wasn't working. I stuck to upper body and core for a couple of weeks to let my knees really heal.

Last Monday they started to feel almost 100% again. Without any pain medicine they felt like they had with medicine since I had hurt them. But I have been really easing back into it this time. I've incorporated legs back into my workouts this week, but low impact. I've done three Hip Hip Abs workouts this week and I love them! They really work my whole body and give me great cardio without a lot of impact on my knees. 

I had to learn a serious lesson...I feel like I have learned a lot over the past year or so. 

Constant learning.

 I found out the hard way that when you need to "ease back into" working out, you REALLY need to listen to your body. Don't get taken over by the excitement of being able to exercise again and overdo it. I didn't feel like I was, but obviously I was doing too much and my body made me learn that the hard way. 

It might feel great to just jump right back into what you were doing before, but you really need to take it easy. Especially when you haven't worked out, except for walking, in 6 weeks. And before that you had toned down your workouts for a good 9 months or so. 

Postpartum fitness is a balance. 

You want to workout hard enough that you're going to get your body close to the shape you used to be in, but you need to be careful not to injure yourself by overdoing it. I feel like I should have known better than to try and jump back into things like that, but you live and you learn, right?

 I was just so ecstatic to move my body again. 

Oh well, at least I got in a couple of weeks of really good upper body and core workouts, right? ;)

XOXO,

Courtney 

Seven to nine weeks postpartum

Two Month Shots and a Stressed Mama

Let me just start this post off by saying that seeing your child in pain is awful. Liam got his two month shots at his doctor's appointment yesterday and it was such a stressful event for this mama.

Before his shots, not a care in the world.

 He did great, but I was a nervous wreck going into that office. And of course it took FOREVER for that nurse to come in and give them to him. First another nurse came in to ask a few questions about Liam and see if we had any questions for the doctor. Then a few minutes after that the doctor came in to check Liam out and tell us how perfect our little man is. And then it took another about 15 minutes for the nurse to come in with the shots (even though it felt like an hour). The waiting was the worst part. Just looking at him laying on the table, all trusting and smilingly clueless as to what was going on. 

Liam destroyed the paper on the table by kicking like a mad man.

Then the nurse came in with THREE shots and at the sight of them I almost lost it. My poor little baby, I thought. She first gave him an oral medicine for a stomach virus and he loved that thing. She would take it out of his mouth to make sure he was swallowing and he would follow the medicine, as he was going "Mmmmmm". The boy likes to eat, what can I say? So then we laid him down on the table and she told us to talk to him and distract him, so that's what we did. There was a change in his sweet, happy demeanor when she rubbed the alcohol swabs on his thighs. He knew something was up that he wasn't going to like. The nurse was amazing, though. She stuck that boy so fast with those three needles, there was no pause in between. It was over in the blink of an eye and she had the band aids on him and he was back in my arms. He screamed for maybe a minute after they were done, if that long. I tell you what, that boy made me feel like a fool for how stressed I was about it. We got him dressed again after he stopped crying and put him back in his carrier

All smiles after his shots :)

 He was happy and good to go again when we left the exam room. I got him a sucker on the way out, because he deserved it! And no, he didn't eat it, just licked the wrapper and screamed at Jim when he tried to take it from him.

The boy and his beloved lollipop.

He stared at me like this for the 30 minute ride home.

He was an angel until between 8 and 9 last night after his bottle. He was crying and squirming and we could tell he was in pain. We had given him infant Tylenol between 6 and 7 so we knew it wasn't time for more yet. We didn't know what to do, cuddling and rocking him wasn't even working...and that always works for him. Finally I looked up what to do and another mom recommended taking the band aids off. As soon as they came off of his legs, he settled down and fell right to sleep. He slept until 2:30 this morning. 

Jim and Liam sleeping through my workout early this morning.

For goodness sake's, mamas who haven't gone through this yet, take those things off when you get home! Apparently they can hurt worse than the actual shots, because they're pulling on the poor baby's legs. 

I feel like I aged 10 years yesterday. But it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Once we took those bandages off his little legs, he was good to go and he got a really good night's rest. We have a really good baby on our hands and I know that we're blessed. 

He's a trooper, and I realized yesterday that he's stronger than his own mama, because I struggled more than he did.

XOXO,

Courtney

Two Month Reality Check

Mr. Liam turned two months old yesterday and I am honestly still in shock that it's been that long since I held him for the first time. These past two months have flown by in a way that I never knew time could move. They have been the most joyous two months of my life. Being a mom is tough, though. I'm exhausted. Sometimes I get frustrated when Liam won't let me put him down to just run and take a quick shower, or I'm in the middle of a great workout and he suddenly wakes up for no reason and wants me to hold him. I hate that I get frustrated with him wanting me when it "inconveniences" me, but I'm human so I guess it's only natural.

However, I had a major reality check recently one night when I was scrolling through Facebook. A friend of mine shared this post from a mother whose daughter was stillborn, she was 40w6d. Her story is here if you haven't read it already. I'm warning you, grab some tissues because it will rip every shred of your heart out. 

After reading this gut wrenching and heart breaking story through tears, I held my precious boy so tight. I apologized to him for any time I ever got frustrated with him. Having a baby that wants you to hold him/her is not a curse. It might feel like an inconvenience, but I realized that it is the biggest blessing. I have my son to hold, kiss, and rock to sleep. That mother has empty arms and a huge hole in her heart. I had to go through all the postpartum pain, but I could hold my baby boy and look into his beautiful eyes and know it was all worth it. She is having to go through it all too, but has no baby in her arms to make it all worth the pain. My heart aches for the long, lonely nights without a baby crying and waking her up. For a while I looked at late night feedings as a chore, but now they are a blessing that I realize some mothers never get to enjoy.

I can't imagine carrying your child for that long, going to bed one night to her kicking, and then waking up to a stillness that kills your soul. I don't even want to imagine it. 

The horrible part is, she is not alone in this pain and emptiness. There are so many mothers and fathers out there who have lost children at some point during a pregnancy. It took reading her story to really open my eyes to how blessed Jim and I are. It might have taken some medicines and shots for me to get pregnant, but I ended up having a healthy, full term pregnancy. I have never experienced the loss of a child I never even got to meet, and it's something that I pray I never have to face. 

After reading this family's story, I now make a conscious effort to be thankful for Liam's crying, even in the middle of the night or when it interrupts a workout. At least I can hear his cry, some parents never do. I embrace having to shower in approximately 2 minutes in order to avoid him getting upset, at least he can miss me. He is the best part of my life and the thought of ever having to say good bye to him absolutely kills me. The pain these parents feel has to be so excruciating, and I know all I can do to help them is to pray that God surrounds them with his peace through this extreme darkness.

My message to all you hopefully one day moms, soon to be moms, new moms, and not so new moms is this: Learn from this woman's story like I did. Yes, you might still get frustrated with your screaming child when you can't figure out what's wrong, you're only human. But take a moment after the frustration has passed to thank God for your child and to pray for the mothers and fathers who have lost theirs. Try your best to enjoy every single moment with your child(ren), even the two o'clock in the morning "why won't you just go to sleep" ones. Because every second with your little one is a blessing that not all parents get to enjoy.

XOXO,

Courtney