Did she say...formula??

I mentioned formula in my last blog post, and I unfortunately feel the need to explain why I'm not breastfeeding our son. I think it's ridiculous that I feel like anyone is owed an explanation as to why we're feeding him the way we are, but I really want people to understand there's more than one way of feeding newborns. And if this can help any other woman out there who has the same problem as me, then it's worth it.

Mainly women nowadays just assume you're going to nurse your kid, and I totally understand the health benefits that go along with breast milk. It's not that I don't want that bonding time with my son. It's not that I just want my husband to have to help with the feedings more. It's not that I find breastfeeding "weird" or "awkward". I'm not breastfeeding because I can't. I didn't produce hardly anything. I would LOVE to have that bond with my son. Breastfeeding would be SO MUCH simpler and cheaper. But it just didn't work out. 

I tried. In the hospital I got nurses to come in and help try and get Liam to latch. He latched one time and then was still gnawing on his hands after he unlatched about ten minutes later. We talked to the lactation consultant and she gave me tips and different positions to try. I did everything she told me to do and it still wouldn't work. Her advice? He'll latch on and eat when he's hungry. Friday before we were discharged from the hospital I tried to feed him so many times and he just wouldn't latch. When he would latch on it would be for just a few seconds and then he would start to scream. When I would get a nurse to come in and see if she could help me out and make sure I was doing everything right, it was no help. They would just literally (sorry for the mental image here) squish my boob and try to force it into my poor son's screaming mouth. The poor thing probably has PTSD from the whole thing. 

When we left the hospital I felt broken. I couldn't get my son to eat and I could tell he was hungry. He's my son and I could just feel he wasn't happy. They said he would eat when he was hungry but he really hadn't eaten yet and he had been born on Wednesday night. He had to be hungry. He would chew on his hands and scream if we took his pacifier out of his mouth. He was restless. I knew he was hungry. But formula didn't seem to be an option and they didn't even question if I could not be producing enough.

Which was exactly the problem. When we got home we fixed the poor thing a bottle using some formula we had been sent (yay for free things) from Enfamil. That boy sucked that bottle dry in about two minutes. And then do you know what he did? He slept...hard. He wasn't in serious need of his pacifier. He wasn't gnawing on his hands, and he wasn't restless. We continued to feed him on demand until Sunday when my milk came in. Then I tried feeding him myself again, and he just would not latch. I felt broken. I decided to pump what I could every 2-3 hours and then we would just feed him that. So we could kiss the formula good bye, right? Wrong. I produced maybe an ounce a day. From both sides, pumping every 2-3 hours. The most I ever got in those first 5 or 6 weeks was 2 ounces in one day. Then my supply dwindled down to not even a quarter of an ounce. But whatever I pumped we gave him at the end of the day. I was trying everything I knew to try and up my milk supply and nothing worked.

The pressure I felt to breastfeed was tremendous. I felt like I should be ashamed that I was giving him formula. I felt like I wasn't as good of a mom as the women who breastfeed. I felt like I had failed my son. I slipped into my own sort of depression for a few days. I would cry randomly and just feel sad and hopeless.

But then one day I got mad. Not at the fact that I wasn't able to breastfeed, but at the way I was feeling all because of the pressure to feed MY child in a way that my body wasn't allowing me. It wasn't my fault, I tried. And what's so terrible about feeding him formula, anyway? At least he's eating and healthy. 

I have had to realize that a woman's ability or desire to breastfeed does not in any way reflect how good of a mom she is. What determines how good of a mom I am is my willingness to put my son first. And I have done that in making sure he's eating the right formula and ensuring that he's eating enough. What makes me a good mom is my unconditional love for my son, not the way I feed him. 

XOXO,

Courtney

And if you try to take his bottle, he will sock ya!