An Open Letter To My Husband

Dear Husband,

It's only been about two and a half years since we said our wedding vows, but we have been through so much together since then. I have fallen even more in love with you and I didn't think that was even possible on May 25, 2013. Lately, though, I feel like you have been neglected and I'm so sorry. I know that our focus needs to be on Liam. He needs us for everything, after all. But I feel like I haven't been paying you as much attention as I should.

This past weekend we went to Atlanta to see Taylor Swift together, just the two of us. I missed our baby boy more than I thought I could in a 24 hour period, but I really enjoyed our time together. It made me realize that I have been neglecting our relationship lately. I know that our relationship has to change some now that we're parents, but there are some things that I don't want to change. Let's never stop holding hands or giving each other hello and good bye kisses and I love yous. Let's never stop laughing together, and let's try to not get so frustrated with each other when we can't get Liam to calm down. I think we're doing a great job in raising him, but let's not sacrifice our relationship in the process.

We need to remember that without our love, there would be no Liam.

And I need to clear something up for you. The other day you were trying to help me out by putting my laundry away and I got frustrated when you said my dresser drawers were too full and you didn't know where anything would fit. I need to explain why I got upset.

I know I need to clean out my clothes. But I also know what that entails. Cleaning out all of those clothes means trying on all of those cute prepregnancy outfits. Those cute workout clothes that I'm not sure will fit me again. And even if they do fit me, I'm not sure I want to see what I look like in them now. My body has changed since I last wore the majority of those clothes. I'm getting close to my prepregnancy weight, only about 4 pounds to go, but my body is just different now. I have looser skin in my tummy area. I have stretch marks.

I'm in such a good place with my body image right now, though. I feel strong, healthy, and happy. I'm terrified that if I try some of those old clothes on and they don't fit, or I look "bad" in them, I might slip back into some of my old unhealthy eating habits. I know I need to try on my old clothes, I'm just not ready yet. So please just bear with me. I'll get to it, I promise. I'm not just being lazy, I'm terrified to put those clothes on. I'm terrified of what I'll see looking back at me in the mirror when I put those clothes from a year ago back on.

I have been working so hard these past three months, working out and eating healthy, to try and get my body back into a shape I recognize. I'm finally getting to a place where I feel like I look pretty close to "prepregnancy me", plus slightly wider hips and some stretch marks/tiger stripes here and there.

So please just try to understand, patient husband, that I'm not just being grumpy or rude sometimes. I'm struggling with getting my body back into something I'm proud of and happy with. So if I seem to be snippy with you, just know that it's not you I'm frustrated with, it's more than likely what I see looking back at me in the mirror or the number on the scale or some article of clothing I wanted to wear but that doesn't fit quite the same anymore.

I love you, husband, thank you for still finding me beautiful, even when I was 40 pounds heavier with cankles and an irritated attitude. I know you still think I'm beautiful now, I just need to believe it myself.

I love you to the moon and back fifty million times,
Courtney

Stronger than ever

It's been 12 weeks since we welcomed Mr. Liam into our lives.

He is growing like a weed and getting stronger everyday. It's amazing to me just how quickly he is developing and growing. I sat him up in his Bumbo chair on the couch for the first time yesterday and it made me a little sad. I don't think he should be big enough to sit in his own chair yet...but apparently he is! He loves to sit up "like a big boy" and lay on his own and play with his toys. Until he's tired that is, then he wants to snuggle...which is perfectly fine with me!

Watching Paw Patrol (his favorite show) with Pop

Just chilling in his own chair (don't worry, I never left his side)

As he gets stronger, his mama is working on getting stronger too. I've started incorporating run/walks back into my exercise routine this week and so far I'm feeling great! Monday morning I did about 2.5 miles with 2 minute run/walk intervals and yesterday I did 3 miles with the same intervals. Tuesday and today I've done Beachbody workouts to make sure I'm keeping some variety in my workouts. 

Getting back in shape after having a baby is hard work. 

From an athletic standpoint I'm the slowest I've been in years. 

I'm weaker than I used to be. 

I can't run as far as I used to be able to.

But at the same time, I feel so strong. I am in better shape than I was a few months ago, that's for sure. But more than that, I feel strong because of what my body has done over the past year. My body was the home for our son for 41 weeks and 2 days. I then endured two days in the hospital in labor trying to bring him into the outside world. Then I pushed an eight pound human out of a hole the size of a bagel. Yeah, I seriously just typed that. I then endured weeks of pain and discomfort as my body recovered from the whole ordeal.

I AM STRONG.

God used my body to create a perfect, precious, gorgeous baby boy and then He gave me the strength to deliver him. I know that all of that determination came from someone far greater than me, and I am thankful everyday that He got us through the pregnancy and labor and delivery safely. 

I know that my body can't athletically do what it could before. But I'm okay with that. Even if I'm never as fast as I was before, my body has done something so remarkable and I am so proud of what it has accomplished. I might not be able to run a half marathon in 1 hour and 39 minutes, but I can run/walk three miles while pushing a baby stroller. To me, that is just fine.

 And now I have the most adorable workout partner I have ever seen, which makes working out that much more enjoyable. Before our run yesterday, he had to warm up his legs when he got in his stroller, he seriously was pumping them like he had to get ready to run while I was warming up. 

All ready to run with his Nike booties!

I thought before Liam was born that I would be okay with being slower and not in the best shape of my life after he was born. But I had no idea just how okay with it I would be. He is so much more important and special to me than any race, run, or workout ever could be.

XOXO,

Courtney

11 Weeks Old Today

My little man is ELEVEN weeks old today?!? 

When did that happen, seriously? I cannot believe that eleven weeks ago I was in the hospital, surrounded by loved ones, trying so hard to bring that gorgeous little one into the outside world. 

Even though it's been almost three months since I was carrying him in my tummy, I still find myself talking to him when I'm by myself. I got so used to talking to Liam when I was driving, walking around at work, and just randomly through my day. I would narrate what was going on and tell him "Come, Liam" when I would get out of my car. I still find myself doing that and I have to catch myself and remember...wait, he's not here right now. And then I feel sad because he's not always with me anymore. For 40 weeks he was ALWAYS with me. He was my little partner in crime. He was always there, listening to the beat of my heart. The last few months of my pregnancy I could feel every time he moved. I knew when he had the hiccups and I could tell they bothered him because he would start kicking and trying to get away from them. When a song came on the radio that he really liked, I knew it by the way he would bounce around. When he recognized someone's voice, he let me know by kicking at them. 

Now I get to see all those jabs and kicks and hear his adorable coos. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE seeing him, holding him, talking to him, and seeing that gorgeous gummy grin. But now I have to share him. He's no longer just mine to hold. But I think the hardest thing is that I miss him so much when I'm away from him. When I was pregnant with him, he was always with me. Everywhere I went, Liam was with me. And now, I have to leave him everyday to go to work and it kills me every single time. 

And he is growing so fast it almost hurts me. He's holding his head up better and better everyday. He smiles every time I walk into the room. He's starting to laugh out loud. He's starting to sit up from a leaned back position, and he doesn't like to just lay down..he wants to sit up like a big boy. It makes me so proud to watch him grow, but it makes me sad too.

Part of me is such a proud mama and I post SO MANY pictures and videos of him every time he starts to do something new (sorry if you follow me on social media, I can't help myself). I am so proud of that boy and how strong and smart he is already. But on the other hand, watching him grow so fast almost breaks my heart. I look back at pictures of him when he was first born and he was so tiny looking! He was so small and helpless, and he needed me for everything. I can't help but to think about how soon he won't need me for as much. And that makes me sad. He has started trying to hold his own bottle and that kills me. He's still supposed to need his mama for everything, right?? 

It really is a constant battle inside of my heart and mind between swelling with pride and breaking with sadness. I don't know how I feel about him growing up so quickly. We're so blessed to have a happy and healthy baby boy that's growing and developing normally, and I know that. But I still want him to be my little baby forever.

 But I guess even when he's older and has a family of his own, he'll still be my baby, right? 

So my message to all you moms to be is to enjoy every single second of your pregnancy. Even when you're nauseous and your feet and hands are so swollen that you don't even recognize them...wait, you can't see your feet anymore, never mind. Even when your back hurts and you're out of breath from just standing up. Sit back and feel your little one kicking your rib cage, because he/she won't be in your tummy forever. To all you newer than me mamas, enjoy holding your tiny baby because he/she will be wanting to sit up and move around before you know it. Time is going to fly by faster than you knew it could, so enjoy every second with your little one, even if he/she is screaming and you don't know why. Just hold that baby close and surround him/her with love and comfort. Because all too soon that tiny baby will be all grown up.

Oh yeah, all of this sadness at babies growing up so fast is currently being made worse by that fact that my oldest nephew turns THREE next Tuesday. We bought his birthday present last night and I got very upset at having to buy that boy 3T clothes. I just kept saying that there is no way he is that big and I don't like buying him that size. Jim had to tell me numerous times that Ray is growing, like kids do and it will be okay.

 I'm just an emotional mess right now with these boys growing up so fast, stupid hormones.

XOXO, 

Courtney  

This is how Liam hangs out while I exercise. 

He laughs at me dancing to Hips Hop Abs, I guess me dancing is funny ;)

Mr. Liam was sitting up and then got excited and fell over. 

Poor thing looks like a tiny drunk adult.

Postpartum Fitness-Week 10

It feels so amazing to be working out again! Let me tell you what though, I thought I was "easing back into it" properly...I was highly mistaken and my knees let me know it loud and clear.

When I got cleared for exercise at my 6 week postpartum doctor's appointment, it was so exciting!

   

Two weeks postpartum to six weeks postpartum

 My doctor told me to make sure I eased back into things and I said "Of course I will!" with a huge smile on my face. I went home that afternoon and did my first workout in 6 weeks, Cize Crazy 8's with Shaun T on my Beachbody on Demand. It was AMAZING! I sweat, I was out of breath, and I felt like I had worked my body in a way that I hadn't in almost a year. 

The next day I took Liam out for a run/walk. I did 2 minute intervals of running and walking for 4.5 miles and it felt awesome! That was on Thursday and I finished out the week with another run/walk and another Beachbody workout. The following Monday Jim and I took Liam out for a 5 mile run/walk. I started out feeling good, possibly too good. I got overconfident and pounded the pavement too hard, and probably ran a little faster than I should have. By the end of the run I was complaining of knee pain, but I thought it would stop after the workout was over. WRONG. The pain got worse everyday for about a week, and in the mornings my knees were so stiff and hurt so bad it would bring tears to my eyes if I moved wrong.

 I was devastated. I was frustrated. I was scared. I was annoyed with myself. 

"I've really hurt myself, I have permanently damaged my knees," I thought.

I decided to just lay off my legs...forget low impact, even that wasn't working. I stuck to upper body and core for a couple of weeks to let my knees really heal.

Last Monday they started to feel almost 100% again. Without any pain medicine they felt like they had with medicine since I had hurt them. But I have been really easing back into it this time. I've incorporated legs back into my workouts this week, but low impact. I've done three Hip Hip Abs workouts this week and I love them! They really work my whole body and give me great cardio without a lot of impact on my knees. 

I had to learn a serious lesson...I feel like I have learned a lot over the past year or so. 

Constant learning.

 I found out the hard way that when you need to "ease back into" working out, you REALLY need to listen to your body. Don't get taken over by the excitement of being able to exercise again and overdo it. I didn't feel like I was, but obviously I was doing too much and my body made me learn that the hard way. 

It might feel great to just jump right back into what you were doing before, but you really need to take it easy. Especially when you haven't worked out, except for walking, in 6 weeks. And before that you had toned down your workouts for a good 9 months or so. 

Postpartum fitness is a balance. 

You want to workout hard enough that you're going to get your body close to the shape you used to be in, but you need to be careful not to injure yourself by overdoing it. I feel like I should have known better than to try and jump back into things like that, but you live and you learn, right?

 I was just so ecstatic to move my body again. 

Oh well, at least I got in a couple of weeks of really good upper body and core workouts, right? ;)

XOXO,

Courtney 

Seven to nine weeks postpartum

Two Month Shots and a Stressed Mama

Let me just start this post off by saying that seeing your child in pain is awful. Liam got his two month shots at his doctor's appointment yesterday and it was such a stressful event for this mama.

Before his shots, not a care in the world.

 He did great, but I was a nervous wreck going into that office. And of course it took FOREVER for that nurse to come in and give them to him. First another nurse came in to ask a few questions about Liam and see if we had any questions for the doctor. Then a few minutes after that the doctor came in to check Liam out and tell us how perfect our little man is. And then it took another about 15 minutes for the nurse to come in with the shots (even though it felt like an hour). The waiting was the worst part. Just looking at him laying on the table, all trusting and smilingly clueless as to what was going on. 

Liam destroyed the paper on the table by kicking like a mad man.

Then the nurse came in with THREE shots and at the sight of them I almost lost it. My poor little baby, I thought. She first gave him an oral medicine for a stomach virus and he loved that thing. She would take it out of his mouth to make sure he was swallowing and he would follow the medicine, as he was going "Mmmmmm". The boy likes to eat, what can I say? So then we laid him down on the table and she told us to talk to him and distract him, so that's what we did. There was a change in his sweet, happy demeanor when she rubbed the alcohol swabs on his thighs. He knew something was up that he wasn't going to like. The nurse was amazing, though. She stuck that boy so fast with those three needles, there was no pause in between. It was over in the blink of an eye and she had the band aids on him and he was back in my arms. He screamed for maybe a minute after they were done, if that long. I tell you what, that boy made me feel like a fool for how stressed I was about it. We got him dressed again after he stopped crying and put him back in his carrier

All smiles after his shots :)

 He was happy and good to go again when we left the exam room. I got him a sucker on the way out, because he deserved it! And no, he didn't eat it, just licked the wrapper and screamed at Jim when he tried to take it from him.

The boy and his beloved lollipop.

He stared at me like this for the 30 minute ride home.

He was an angel until between 8 and 9 last night after his bottle. He was crying and squirming and we could tell he was in pain. We had given him infant Tylenol between 6 and 7 so we knew it wasn't time for more yet. We didn't know what to do, cuddling and rocking him wasn't even working...and that always works for him. Finally I looked up what to do and another mom recommended taking the band aids off. As soon as they came off of his legs, he settled down and fell right to sleep. He slept until 2:30 this morning. 

Jim and Liam sleeping through my workout early this morning.

For goodness sake's, mamas who haven't gone through this yet, take those things off when you get home! Apparently they can hurt worse than the actual shots, because they're pulling on the poor baby's legs. 

I feel like I aged 10 years yesterday. But it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Once we took those bandages off his little legs, he was good to go and he got a really good night's rest. We have a really good baby on our hands and I know that we're blessed. 

He's a trooper, and I realized yesterday that he's stronger than his own mama, because I struggled more than he did.

XOXO,

Courtney