Dear Husband,
It's only been about two and a half years since we said our wedding vows, but we have been through so much together since then. I have fallen even more in love with you and I didn't think that was even possible on May 25, 2013. Lately, though, I feel like you have been neglected and I'm so sorry. I know that our focus needs to be on Liam. He needs us for everything, after all. But I feel like I haven't been paying you as much attention as I should.
This past weekend we went to Atlanta to see Taylor Swift together, just the two of us. I missed our baby boy more than I thought I could in a 24 hour period, but I really enjoyed our time together. It made me realize that I have been neglecting our relationship lately. I know that our relationship has to change some now that we're parents, but there are some things that I don't want to change. Let's never stop holding hands or giving each other hello and good bye kisses and I love yous. Let's never stop laughing together, and let's try to not get so frustrated with each other when we can't get Liam to calm down. I think we're doing a great job in raising him, but let's not sacrifice our relationship in the process.
We need to remember that without our love, there would be no Liam.
And I need to clear something up for you. The other day you were trying to help me out by putting my laundry away and I got frustrated when you said my dresser drawers were too full and you didn't know where anything would fit. I need to explain why I got upset.
I know I need to clean out my clothes. But I also know what that entails. Cleaning out all of those clothes means trying on all of those cute prepregnancy outfits. Those cute workout clothes that I'm not sure will fit me again. And even if they do fit me, I'm not sure I want to see what I look like in them now. My body has changed since I last wore the majority of those clothes. I'm getting close to my prepregnancy weight, only about 4 pounds to go, but my body is just different now. I have looser skin in my tummy area. I have stretch marks.
I'm in such a good place with my body image right now, though. I feel strong, healthy, and happy. I'm terrified that if I try some of those old clothes on and they don't fit, or I look "bad" in them, I might slip back into some of my old unhealthy eating habits. I know I need to try on my old clothes, I'm just not ready yet. So please just bear with me. I'll get to it, I promise. I'm not just being lazy, I'm terrified to put those clothes on. I'm terrified of what I'll see looking back at me in the mirror when I put those clothes from a year ago back on.
I have been working so hard these past three months, working out and eating healthy, to try and get my body back into a shape I recognize. I'm finally getting to a place where I feel like I look pretty close to "prepregnancy me", plus slightly wider hips and some stretch marks/tiger stripes here and there.
So please just try to understand, patient husband, that I'm not just being grumpy or rude sometimes. I'm struggling with getting my body back into something I'm proud of and happy with. So if I seem to be snippy with you, just know that it's not you I'm frustrated with, it's more than likely what I see looking back at me in the mirror or the number on the scale or some article of clothing I wanted to wear but that doesn't fit quite the same anymore.
I love you, husband, thank you for still finding me beautiful, even when I was 40 pounds heavier with cankles and an irritated attitude. I know you still think I'm beautiful now, I just need to believe it myself.
I love you to the moon and back fifty million times,
Courtney
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